Spank Me Baby One More Time: A Sordid Tale of Self-Gratification to Britney Spears Videos

Next week Britney Spears hits town for the second time in the past year, bringing her "The Circus Starring Britney Spears" tour back to town. Frankly we don't know why Brit needed to hit Houston one more time, but pardon the pun.

But anyhow, having Britney in town brings back a flood of memories, as it were. See, Rocks Off came of age at a time when she was just hitting MTV. At around 15 years of age or so, a young man's mind and hand become one and the same, like Luke Skywalker and his light saber. At a time in America when Internet porn was slow as shit, Dominique Sachse only came on twice a day and YouTube didn't even exist, one had to make do with what was endlessly writhing before him.

We aren't ashamed to admit that every two months or so, we got a new three-minute girlfriend when Spears released some new soft-core epic wearing something skintight and next to nothing. We know we weren't alone in our fascination, and no doubt men across America just like us were pushing the "mute" button and unzipping, rocking out like some sort of onanistic Jimmy Page.

Then somewhere along the line she started changing things up, and we got busy with college and work and barely had enough time to do the solo deed, let alone devote three minutes to anyone, even Britney. Besides, the older we got she began to not cater to our baser interests anymore, like our burgeoning First Lady fetish where we made girlfriends dress up like Dolly Madison and Mamie Eisenhower.

There were brief flings, like the "Toxic" videos, but nothing else to speak of. OK, the clips for "My Prerogative," "Gimme More" and "If U Seek Amy" too. And maybe her Top Ten list on Letterman, where she was wearing that bikini and looked all dopey. We can at least promise to you from the bottom of our hearts that no civilizations or protein died during the process of writing this blog.

So to be absolutely plain and clear-cut, here are the top ten Britney Spears videos that Rocks Off has masturbated to, in no particular chronological order.

Hi, Mom!

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty