Recently my partner in crime and I decided to have a pizza night. This is pretty typical for us, but what wasn't typical was the question Papa John's asked me while I was ordering: would I like to add a copy of Taylor Swift's new album Red to my order for only $13?
I said no -- who pays $13 for CDs these days? -- and assumed that was the end of it. I was wrong. When I got to the storefront to pick up my thin-crust double pepperoni with extra cheese, I found myself looking at a pizza box with a giant Taylor Swift on the lid.
Welcome to corporate sponsorship in 2012, and now that the line has been crossed, it's only a matter of time before more people get in on the action. Here are five acts that may be coming to a pizzeria near you.
5. Justin Beiber
Recommended Order: Deep dish triple cheese
This listing really should come to the surprise of no one; conspiracy theories aside, we're ultimately talking about a guy who is so well-liked by the buying public he can put out a singing toothbrush. Whether his fans are waiting all day in line to get into his show or having a slumber party, they'll need food.
I imagine they'd be pretty stoked to get a pizza box with the Bieb's face on it. Sure it might get a little gross after it's been tacked to the wall for a few months, but it's a small price to pay to gaze upon him every night before bed.
Recommended Order: Your choice of four toppings, each covering its own quarter of the pizza
Somewhere Gene Simmons has heard about Taylor Swift on a pizza box and is fuming because he didn't think of the idea first. Unofficially KISS has been on a pizza lid before, as evidenced by the pizza box put out by some enterprising entrepreneur in the above screengrab, but there's no official KISS pizza box.
I don't have to remind you that there's already KISS branded everything, so why stop here? Sure those extra pizzas are taking their fans one step closer to their eventual burial in a KISS coffin, but rock and rolling all night causes sleepy eyes and hungry bellies.
3. Meat Loaf
Recommended Order: Extra-large veggie supreme
As a larger-than-life figure, both physically and metaphorically, Meat Loaf looks the part of a pizza salesman, if such a job existed. Taylor Swift doesn't look like someone who has ever gone in on a pizza; Meat Loaf looks like he's seen one or 20 in his day.
With a holiday album coming out in the near future he'll need promotion, and who wouldn't want to pick up dinner and a stocking stuffer in the same trip? This kind of sponsorship could be the perfect chance to restart his career and help him forget about that time he backed the losing presidential candidate.
2. Pretty Lights
Recommended Order: Doesn't matter as long as it shows up in 30 minutes or less
You may not know this but Derek Smith, the man who is Pretty Lights, hails from Fort Collins, Colorado. What some of you may know is that Colorado recently voted to legalize the possession of marijuana for personal use.
Going by my knowledge of weed, which I get exclusively from pop culture, pizza is a favorite among stoners. Going by my knowledge of Pretty Lights fans, at least those I've seen in the wild, it would appear that there are a lot of stoners out there that dig his laid-back tracks. Pizza and Pretty Lights? Give the people what they want.
1. Insane Clown Posse
Recommended Order: Your basic thin crust pepperoni
Now I realize this is going to be a hard sell to any pizza franchise out there; after all, no one really wants to be affiliated with a group whose fans are classified as a gang by the FBI. Or do they? That kind of notoriety might just be the thing that brings a regional pizza company in to the public eye at large and drives sales to new highs.
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The ICP connection doesn't have to stop at CDs and pizza boxes either. Imagine delivery drivers dressed like Juggalos dropping off bottles of Faygo to ninjas in need. Pure magic, my friends.