WTF Island

Steven Tyler's National Anthem: Not Enough Zoobie-Dee-Dah Or Zippa-Doobie-Sha-Bop?

I have now watched Steven Tyler's rendition of the National Anthem, that he performed before yesterday's big New England Patriots and Baltimore Ravens championship game, about five times straight. I enjoyed it, because it's Steven Tyler and Steven Tyler is crazy as shit. Just read his recent autobiography. It gives Keith Richards' Life a run for it's money, if only in the drug department.

My only issue with it, and a small issue at that, is that it wasn't insane enough. I wanted Joe Perry to come out and wail on his guitar with his lead singer next time, bare-chested. Maybe somehow lifted that sweet-ass solo from the "Livin' On The Edge" video, when he's standing on the train tracks. After all, America is livin' on the edge.

I wanted Tyler to make a creepy aside about "gettin' up on" Lady Liberty. and maybe do more scat-singing. I wanted him to throw a silk scarf on top of one of those military honor guardsmen, who would have no choice but to soak in Tyler's sweaty musk on national television, soiling their uniforms in the process.

A lot of people on Facebook and Twitter complained that it was awful, misguided, and bland. Agreed. He should have stretched the anthem out, to at least three minutes maybe, with a raunchy harmonica solo, and somehow mentioned some sort of slang term for vagina. And it should have been available on iTunes immediately for download.

Why, there could have been a space shuttle fly-over instead of some dumbass plane, you know? That plane could have at least had dudes parachuting out of the back shooting fireworks. Maybe even a sexy broad or two in American flag bikinis could have landed down next to Tyler when, at the 1:23 mark when finally lets out that trademark squeal.

I'm just thinking out loud, y'all.

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty