Straight-To-DVD Music Sequels Soon To Come

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If you're a struggling writer, musician or filmmaker trying to work up the nerve to kill yourself, have we ever got good news for you! Your morale may have been damaged or even crippled by seeing bad music, bad movies and bad stories dominating the upper echelons of their respective fields, but Rocks Off has a new brand of crapfest designed to shit directly into your soul.

You know those godawful straight-to-DVD sequels the movie studios have been churning out for the last few years? You see them languishing, unrented, on the shelves of the few remaining Blockbusters that haven't buckled under DVRs and Netflix. Someone realized that some moderately successful films' intellectual properties were owned by the studios, so they quite brilliantly slapped familiar titles on bargain-bin movies made without the participation of the principal cast, or the director or writers from the first film.

This led to cheap, shabby sequels to Wild Things, American Psycho, Cruel Intentions, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Road House, Inspector Gadget, Home Alone, Cabin Fever, Road Trip, Donnie Darko, The Butterfly Effect, Dr. Doolittle, and Legally Blonde -= slipshod, money-driven, poorly crafted and ridiculously exploitive movies every one. This isn't even touching on the legions of horrendous sequels to beloved Disney films with which Walt's old company has decided to dilute its brand name.

Well, they've cobbled together a straight-to-DVD sequel to Pure Country, a decent 1992 George Strait vehicle about a country singer getting back in touch with his roots. Pure Country 2: The Gift coldly manipulates mainstream country music's traditionally Christian audience by involving three angels in this film's storyline.

There were no such supernatural trappings in the original, but it doesn't matter. Nothing about this film mattered at any point in the production, not the writing, the direction, or the acting, as long as they wound up with something they could slap the words "Pure Country" on so it would make back its meager budget plus a couple thousand bucks. They even managed to get George Strait involved in what we imagine is a cameo, since he's only billed as "Country Music Star."

The cast features an unknown pretty blonde who sort of looks like the casting director compromised between "poor man's Taylor Swift" and "poor man's Reese Witherspoon," plus Bronson Pinchot, Cheech Marin and Michael McKean blithely collecting paychecks. It's directed by Dean Cain, based on a screenplay written by he and his brother. Yes, the guy who played maybe the worst Superman of all time.

So now that they've tapped the under-exploited music-film genre, you might be wondering which straight-to-DVD sequels can we expect to see in the next few years. Oh, you may wish you hadn't wondered that.

A Hard Day's Night 2: Night Harder Directed by Styrg Houngoumounga. Rated PG-13.

This is a day in the life of New Hampshire's biggest Beatles cover band, The Blackberds. Join John, Pauline, Jorge, and Ignats as they dodge an obsessed fan (David Patrick Kelley), compete with rival Beatles tribute band Cranberry Sauce, and unwittingly foil a sinister terrorist plot - all before boarding the bus from Concord all the way to Trenton to play in a Battle of the Beatles Bands! The camaraderie between the new Fab Four is often tolerable!

Note: Due to legal issues, no Beatles music is used in this film.

Repo Man 2 Directed by Jurgpoor Kalichnandoorsky. Rated PG.

A 1984 cult classic, Repo Man is one of the quintessential punk-rock movies, with a soundtrack featuring Iggy Pop, Suicidal Tendencies, and the Circle Jerks. The sequel won't be quite as hard-hitting, though, as it depicts hapless, recently laid off George Flargblatt's growing addiction to the karaoke club near his apartment.

Soon he's introduced to Hank Glorp, who recruits him into his Nice Guy Repossessions company. George gets into all kinds of zany misadventures as he attempts to repossess property without inconveniencing or angering anyone, culminating in a statewide manhunt when he repossesses a 1998 Jeep Cherokee with a pair of stowaways: Notoriously bratty Bevins twins, Kevin and Devin!

Can George somehow use his twin passions of repossession and karaoke to placate the twins and save the day? You'll just have to watch and see. Repo Man 2 is fun for the whole family, assuming your family is developmentally disabled. Soundtrack features Color Me Badd, Another Bad Creation, Dino, Brian Austin Green, and many more of your favorite early 90's artists!

9 Mile Directed by Jarff Mngoktlaptecl. Rated PG-13.

When last we saw Rabbit, he was riding high after trouncing his nemesis in a freestyle rap battle. He's entered into another rap contest, this time with a major label record deal on the line, when tragedy strikes: A mere week before the contest, Rabbit, his mother, and little sister are killed when their trailer catches fire.

His closest living relative, one Sherman Heebyidberg, is shocked to learn that Rabbit had been saving money to buy himself and his sister a house, and had saved up almost $100,000 at the time of his death. Sherman, estranged from Rabbit for years due to living one mile outside of the rough-and-tumble 8 Mile area of town, nonetheless feels obligated to defend the honor of his deceased cousin - especially when the courts rule that, as part of paying off Rabbit's outstanding debts, Sherman must compete in the rap contest in order to inherit Rabbit's savings!

Sherman has grown up a middle-class Jewish child; his favorite singer is Barry Manilow and he detests rap. Rabbit's friends have a mere seven days to turn Sherman into Lemur, the greatest MC in all of Detroit. Can they pull it off, or will rival rapper and cheating scoundrel MC Durrtyfeetz spoil their plans?

Soundtrack features original rapping as performed by the cast, including "Oy Vey! (Y U Goyemz Gotta Front?)" by Lemur!

Higher Fidelity Directed by Klorp Gvinkrdsko. Rated PG-13.

Remember Jack Black in his career-making role as the zany record store clerk, Barry, in the original High Fidelity? Who could forget! Well, it turns out comedy runs in the family: Meet Barry's little brother Larry, who's just as vulgar, madcap, and hilarious as his older sibling!

Larry works at Vintage Vinyl, the record store, with an all-new zany cast of characters, who try to keep their spirits up despite the fact that, after almost 60 years in business, the store is about to shut down. In an age of MP3 players and piracy, what chance does an old-fashioned record shop have?

Adding to the drama: Larry's friend, Ducas, has gambled away what little money the store had left, and the girl Larry is in love with, Cori, barely knows he exists. Larry has made up his mind to tell her that he loves her by 1:38, but unfortunately, Cori is preoccupied; washed-up heartthrob singer Tex Banning is coming by the store for an autograph signing, and she wants to seduce him.

But when the seduction goes awry and Banning storms out, it's up to the store employees to put on an impromptu "Save Our Store!" benefit concert. Will they succeed? Will Larry tell Cori how he feels? Does she feel the same? Whatever happens, Vintage Vinyl will never be the same!

Note: All lawsuits directed towards this movie by the makers of the film Empire Records have been settled out of court.

Purple Rain 2: Violent Purple Directed by Uwe Weevil. Unrated; contains violence, strong language, and graphic sexual situations and nudity.

It's been years since The Kid forever changed the Minneapolis music scene with his intense, sexually charged performances, and things have gotten grim. The new music has no fire, no passion, and the city's people walk its streets glassy-eyed, like zombies.

One young man is determined to change this: The New Kid, a mysterious guitar-wielding youth who sets out to revolutionize the city all over again. Investigating the city's strange malaise all while rocking the clubs at night and romancing hard-to-get singer Saturnina of the all-girl band Pryde, The New Kid eventually traces the source of the city's problems to the biggest factory in the middle of downtown: The New Power Generators, Inc. plant, which has been leaking so much industrial waste into the city's water supply, it not only keeps the townsfolk docile, it even turns the city's rain a sludgy purple color.

The New Kid is one of only a few people with a natural immunity, and he discovers why: The toxic chemicals in the sludge go inactive when confronted with structured noise at a certain decibel level. That's right: the only way to cure the city is to rock it back to health... but the squad of crack hitmen hired by NPG, Inc. has other ideas.

Music by DJ Jazzy Jeff with Morris Day & the Time.

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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