That sound you heard Sunday was the collective shattering of the playoff hopes of thousands of Houston Texans fans as the team suffered yet another home loss, this time against the hapless San Diego Chargers, bringing their record to 4-4 and raising serious, if predictable, doubts about the team's future.
If you were at the game Sunday, you were probably subjected to a similarly unsurprising playlist of stadium music, ranging from the inexplicably banal (Creed's "Are You Ready?") to the merely inexplicable ("Smells Like Teen Spirit"). [Ed. Note: Huh?]
With few exceptions, the rotation of songs at most sporting events is depressingly familiar. We're not saying constant repeats of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and "Here Comes the Boom" are detrimental to your health and to the performance of the team on the field, but are you willing to take that risk?
In the interest of civic pride and common decency, here are some songs the Texans need to cut from their rotation faster than the Vikings cut Randy Moss. Note: The NFL has already requested teams stop playing Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Pt. 2," so hold off on the irate comments.
10. Smash Mouth, "All Star"
Fast becoming the football equivalent of John Fogarty's "Centerfield," this mediocre Shrek castoff doesn't even have the balls to attach itself to a particular sport: is he an NBA all-star? NHL? Magic: The Gathering? "You'll never shine if you don't glow?" What the fuck does that even mean? And who rhymes "coming" with "COMING," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?
9. Guns N' Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle"
Back in 1987, when the idea of a guy who non-ironically wore a top hat was still vaguely unsettling, this opening cut from Appetite for Destruction actually held some menace. Now, nearly two decades after its first football-related appearance (in 1993's The Program), it's merely the theme song to Jim Rome's shitty radio show.
8. Kool and the Gang, "Celebration"
True story: we told the DJ at our wedding that if he played this at the reception we would come across his turntable and snap his neck. Wait, it was Mrs. Rocks Off who said that (she's serious about music). The "good" news is, if the Texans keep stinking it up at home, there won't be a need to play this ever again.
7. AC/DC, "Thunderstruck"
This isn't in every football-related movie released since The Razor's Edge, it just feels that way. And anyway, that the song is proudly featured in such garbage as The Longest Yard remake and WrestleMania should disqualify it. A nice compromise would be to mix in a "For Those About to Rock" or "Whole Lotta Rosie" once in a while.
6. Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It"
Point of order: When your team is dead last in the league in total yards allowed and third from the bottom in points allowed, an anthem of defiance isn't really appropriate. May we suggest "Smooth Up in Ya" by the BulletBoys as a more fitting alternative?
5. Bush, "Machinehead"
Breathe in...breathe out. Nope, song still sucks.
4. Train, "Hey, Soul Sister"
Rocks Off would like to congratulate Train on their achievement: never before has a song become so nauseatingly unlistenable after a mere three months of release than this. From crappy commercials to crappy TV shows to every time we pass within earshot of a radio playing Mix 96.5, it's like a cockroach infestation, and similarly impossible to kill. The very least the Texans could do is give us a Train-free zone, if only for a few hours on Sunday.
3. Queen, "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions"
Oh, shut up. Look, even if you hadn't heard these songs a million times already, they'd still be just about the weakest stuff the band ever released that wasn't on Hot Space (and not counting "Under Pressure").
And then there are a few that need to be axed on general principles...
2. The Village People, "YMCA"
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SHOW ME HOW
Incredibly, there are still individuals over the age of 12 who do the whole 'spell out Y-M-C-A with your arms' thing when this plays. In public. Who the fuck are you people?
1. Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Train"
Do you really want to make the opposing team believe theTexans are about to go full-on psychopath out on the field? Shelve this hoary (but perfectly respectable) bit of classic metal and play something that will really make them shit their pants in terror.
Play some Slayer.