Last week, as Rocks Off was driving home from the River Oaks area, we drove by a gnarly accident on Shepherd between West Alabama and Richmond.
The scene was what one would expect: A cop car, two tow trucks, an ambulance and a totaled Volkswagen Jetta. Although, from what we could tell, no one was seriously injured - thankfully - it got us thinking about our own mortality.
When we die, which hopefully won't be for a long while, Rocks Off hopes our loved ones read this list of songs we don't want to hear at our funeral.
10. Eminem, "Cleaning Out My Closet"
This one would be more fitting if we were a woman and more specifically, a mother. But we have a pretty good imagination and can picture being a mother who has tried her damndest to be a good mom, only to be resented by her kids. And even if we were a shitty parent, this is a bit harsh. In fact, the more we think about it, any Eminem at our funeral would suck. Don't get us wrong; we like the guy's music, but we don't see any way it could be positive.
9. Led Zeppelin, "Stairway to Heaven"
Sure, the lyrics are poetic, and the younger people at the funeral will definitely appreciate it, but "Stairway" is eight minutes long, for crying out loud. And correct us if we're wrong, but it's actually about drug abuse. It would be like playing the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" at a Naval Officer's funeral. Just don't do it.
8. Tool, "Eulogy"
Just from the title, those of you unfamiliar with the song might think it fits, but the lyrics "He had a lot to say/ He had a lot of nothing to say/ We'll miss him" are haunting, and even if our family resents us for blabbing a lot (which we do), it seems like a pretty harsh farewell.
7. Johnny Cash, "Ain't No Grave"
Cash's final album was fantastic, in our opinion, and this song specifically stuck with us. We get the imagery and Cash's memory will surely live on through his fans, but it's just creepy. Rocks Off can't help but imagine ourselves rising from the grave to the horror of onlookers. It's like the beginning of an awful zombie movie, and you know... we hate zombies, so let's stay away from this one, too.
6. Marilyn Manson, "Four Rusted Horses"
"Everyone will come to my funeral to make sure that I stay dead," says Manson in his trademark raspy, double-layered vocals. And although we hope the turnout at our funeral is at least halfway decent, if the whole city shows up, our feelings will be kind of hurt. Do the dead have feelings? If we're hell-bound, hopefully not.
5. Guns N' Roses, "Knocking On Heaven's Door"
Simply put, no one wants to hear Axl Rose's nasally whine for five and a half minutes.
4. Gorillaz, "Don't Get Lost In Heaven"
"...they've got locks on the gates," the song says. And assuming we do make it into Heaven, the last thing our loved ones probably want to think about is locked Pearly Gates. It's like a mean practical joke by God, which makes it not funny at all.
3. Damien Rice, "Rootless Tree"
The song is about a relationship that, in hindsight, was a burden - not exactly how we want to be remembered. Rice also says, "Fuck you" at least ten times during the song.
2. Lily Allen, "Fuck You"
Ms. Allen wrote this song about President George W. Bush as his administration was coming to an end. The lyrics chastise Jr., though not specifically, for his intolerance, harboring hatred, medieval points of view and small-mindedness. Since the song is politically driven, we chuckled when we first heard it, but had it been at a funeral, we probably would have been horrified.
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SHOW ME HOW
1. KISS, "Calling Dr. Love"
This would have been appropriate for the late Wilt Chamberlain's wake - Gene Simmons', certainly - but otherwise...
This list isn't exactly foolproof yet, so if you have any suggestions for us, please share. Rocks Off is going to finish it and give it to all of our friends and family to save ourselves from some postmortem pain.