Today is the biggest travel day in the United States, according to the airlines. That means many of you will be experiencing for the first time the intrusive X-rays or demeaning pat-downs handed out by TSA as part of their new "You Assholes Don't Have to Fly, You Know" business strategy.
Keeping the skies terror-free is getting tougher and more intrusive as the years go by, and we can't help but imagine that in a few years we'll be lubing up for a full colonoscopy before we even make it to the baggage check.
Still, some of you freaks are into that kind of kink, so for you, here's a soundtrack to load up on your earbuds while they're gettin' all touchy-feely with you. Smartassed analysis of each song is provided, much like the in-depth analysis your nude topographic form will be receiving in the airport's employee break room.
10. Silk, "Freak Me"
Let me lick you up and down 'Til you say stop Let me play with your body baby Make you real hot
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? No Degree of Discomfort: 7
Have you ever actually tried to lick someone up and down? Not only is it salty and vaguely unpleasant, but afterwards they smell of your dried spit. It helps if we assume Silk are simply talking about oral sex, but they also mention busting out the whipped cream, which again is sexier in porn than it is in real life.
The fact of the matter is that in the time between applying the whipped cream and the time when you "make her body scream," it's going to get warm, then runny, then sticky. Silk are essentially threatening to make a gooey mess out of you, and not in a good way.
9. Billy Squier, "The Stroke"
Put your left foot out keep it all in place Work your way right into my face First you try to bed me, you make my backbone slide But when you found you bled me, skip on by
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Yes Degree of Discomfort: 4
Squier appears to be singing about not handjobs or masturbation, but about stroking someone's ego. However, even though it's not a sexual practice, you can still get some pretty serious douche chills from listening to a corporate suck-up kiss your ass.
8. Dan Hill, "Sometimes When We Touch"
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Sometimes when we touch The honesty's too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I wanna hold you till I die 'Til we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? No Degree of Discomfort: 8
Hill's AM-radio staple is pretty much an anthem for the needy and co-dependent. Ladies, does it turn you on when a guy wants to smother you with his affection? When he makes you hold him until whatever demons he's struggling with quiet down enough to let him stop weeping?
Imagine, if you will, ladies, that you've been paralyzed in some sort of accident. You're lying helpless in your hospital bed, and here comes Dan, with his heavy Pillow of Love, placing it over your face until you've suffocated under his overwhelming devotion. This shit really sold in the '70s.
7. Depeche Mode, "One Caress"
Lead me into your darkness When this world is trying its hardest To leave me unimpressed Just one caress From you and I'm blessed
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Yes Degree of Discomfort: 0
Dave Gahan's angsty, dark fable of redemption through physicality is restrained yet sincere, lusty yet suave. Not a single Goth girl in the world would turn Gahan down on this offer even today.
6. AC/DC, "A Touch Too Much"
It wasn't the first It wasn't the last It wasn't that she didn't care She wanted it hard And wanted it fast She liked it done medium rare
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Yes Degree of Discomfort: 6
Maybe the billionth AC/DC song about fucking, this time the singer's woman appears to be giving him too much to handle. We're not sure if the singer is about to have an orgasm or an aneurysm, and the poor guy can't seem to decide if he's enjoying his girl's newfound appreciation for rough play or not.
Still, he does assure us "I was so satisfied/ Deep down inside/ Like a hand in a velvet glove," so we have to assume he made it through the experience okay. We're not sure how cool she was with the velvet glove business, though. We'd like to hear her version of this song. For the title we're thinking "A Fist Too Far."
5. The Divinyls, "I Touch Myself"
I don't want anybody else When I think about you I touch myself
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Oh Lord, yes. Degree of Discomfort: Between 1 and 8
In this song, the other party doesn't even get a chance to get involved. The singer is so riled up for her lover, just the thought of him (or her) drives her into frenzied masturbation.
The degree of discomfort stands at a 1 when she thinks of her lover while she's home alone, but shoots up significantly when she has the bad timing to think of whoever it is on the bus, in the elevator or at a job interview. "Uh, Karen? Karen, we're all wondering if you could... if you could maybe stop doing that at least until the meeting's over."
4. Foreigner, "Feels Like the First Time"
And it feels like the first time, like it never did before Feels like the first time, like we've opened up the door Feels like the first time, like it never will again, never again
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Barely. Degree of Discomfort: 5
Do you know anyone who had a seamless, uneventful first time? We sure don't. Particularly for girls, the first time having sex is uncomfortable, painful, and often spent reassuring a teenage boy who went off before he could even get his pants down.
Sure, the thrill of discovery was exciting, but we'd like some way to keep that excitement without including the terror of doing something wrong, the awkwardness of having had your elbow on her ponytail the entire time, and the regret once you realize your love isn't one for the ages, instead just a sweaty fling caused by youthful hormones and too much sugar.
3. Gary Glitter, "Do You Want to Touch Me? (Oh Yeah!)"
Every growing boy needs a little joy, all you do is sit an' stare Begging on my knees, baby won't you please Run your fingers thru' my hair My my my whiskey & rye, don't it make you feel so fine?
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Not even if they used the Jaws of Life. Degree of Discomfort: 9
Once thought of as a sexy enough song for Joan Jett to cover, this, along with everything Glitter's ever done, has been tainted by his multiple convictions for messing around with kids. He was convicted of possessing child pornography in the United Kingdom, deported from Cambodia under suspicion of child sexual abuse, and actually served nearly three years in a Vietnamese prison once he was found guilty of having sex with two underage girls.
They won't even let him into Thailand, and he's tried to get in numerous times. Thailand's economy pretty much runs on their lucrative sex-slave trade wherein wealthy pedophiles from all over the globe gather to molest kids with impunity. Do you know what a sick freak you have to be for them to say, "Nope, not here, pal"? It boggles the mind.
2. R. Kelly, "Feelin' On Yo' Booty"
As I walk you to the dance floor We begin to dance slow Put your arms around me I'm feelin' on your booty
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Yes Degree of Discomfort: 2
Just about any woman would be happy to have R. Kelly feelin' on her booty on the dance floor. Hell, the only reason it's a 2 and not a 0 is because it's R. Kelly, and... you know. He might pee on you.
1. Tool, "Stinkfist"
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Elbow deep inside the borderline Show me that you love me and that we belong together Shoulder deep within the borderline Relax, turn around and take my hand
Preferable to a TSA Pat-Down? Only for a select few. Degree of Discomfort: 10
Yup, it's a song about fisting, brought to us by the ever-transgressive Maynard James Keenan. We don't judge here at Rocks Off; people are free to like whatever they like. Nevertheless, it seems like a physical impossibility, not to mention an extreme medical risk, to go inside someone's poop chute all the way up to the shoulder.
In the interest of public service, we feel like it bears mentioning that making a sock puppet out of another human being is not recommended.