Kim Kardashian's release of her new single, "Jam" makes Rocks Off sick to our stomachs. It's been our philosophy that while an ass can sell a TV show or low-budget porn, it can't sell an album. You can't mute a CD and still "watch" it.
So in lieu of Kardashian's sickening attempt at a "singing" career, we've done our homework and dug up a few other actors who also fooled themselves into thinking that they could successfully cross over. Keep in mind that some of these selections are much more entertaining than the artists originally intended the songs to be.
10: David Hasselhoff, "Hooked On a Feeling": Rocks Off has a feeling that when the Hoff was conceiving this video, he might have been high on something other than just "believing." (Perhaps "PCPing" or "THCing"?) We're not sure what we like more - seeing the Hoff dressed as an Eskimo catching a fish in his mouth or flying through the air with a flock of birds and angels. Make sure to catch the montage of all the Hoffs of the world at the end.
9. Tila Tequila, "I Love You": "You better go down when you get with me, you better realize I'm what you need/ You better get here before I count to three. You better do right, I'll fuck you up!" Not even producer Lil' Jon could jump-start Houston native Tila's singing or rapping career, which consisted of more raspy screaming and lewd dancing than anything else. We vote that she sticks to low-budget porn; her most recent "leak" probably got more hits than her single and reality show combined.
8. Joe Pesci, "Wiseguy": "All about respect and intellect, only mess with the woman who picks up the check/ Two supermodels, one in each arm/ One chick's brunette, the other one's blonde/ I heard their fathers had stocks and bonds, so I fucked 'em up and left them floating in a pond." It's the bitches that gitchas? Hold up, Joe Pesci, you're offending us. Why did Naomi Campbell agree to be in this video? When did Joe Pesci - mainly an Oscar-winning film star, but we're grandfathering him onto our TV list because he's hosted SNL and was the lead in the (very) short-lived '80s cop show Half Nelson - decide he wanted to pursue a rap career? Why are we just now finding out about this?
7. Leonard Nimoy, "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins": Leave it to Spock to incorporate two super-nerd subcultures into one song for the ultimate nerdgasm. We're not kidding, peep the comments underneath the video.
6. Mr. T, "Treat Your Mother Right": "M is for the moaning from the pain that she felt when I was born/ O is for the oven when she stood making sure I had something to eat/ T is for the time she stayed up nights and took my temperature when I wasn't feeling right..." You can find out what the rest of the letters stand for yourself. Mr. T wants you to treat your mother right. If you don't, he will. Are we out of line for writing down the disses between the two people at the beginning of this video? ("You're so fat they have to jack you up to take off your shoes!") Also, notice that it's only when the kid starts a "Yo Mama" joke that things get really sober. It's acceptable to call people ugly and fat... but don't bring anyone's mama into it or Mr. T will get in that ass.
5. Kelly Osbourne, "Papa Don't Preach": There is so much awkward in this video that it's hard to watch it in full. In the words of the great Dave Chapelle: "I got a new song for you... it's called 'Daughter Don't Sang.'"
4. Countess Luann de Lesseps, "Money Can't Buy You Class": "You don't have to be rich and famous to be unforgettable." The Countess is both rich and famous, and we've already forgotten this song and its bossy lyrics about the proper social conduct. We saw the episode of Real Housewives of New York when the Countess was giving her music career a go and recall thinking, "She has no pitch or rhythm. How are they going to turn this shit-show into a marketable song?" Answer: Make her speak the verses and then heavily Auto-tune every note she tries to sing.
3. Brooke Hogan feat. Paul Wall, "About Us": We're still shaking our heads at Paul Wall for agreeing to this horrible collaboration. Even with a conspicuous amount of editing, it's hard to tell the difference between Brooke and her mom...or her dad, even. If Ke(Dollar Sign)ha and Dog the Bounty Hunter had a baby - and don't write that off just yet - Brooke could be the product. She's built like the All American Edition of the Ford F-150 and has a voice straight out of the exhaust pipe.
3. Kim Zolciak, "Don't Be Tardy For the Party": "I'm feeling good by nine, on my third glass of wine/ On the dance floor looking fine, all the boys trying to get in line." Three glasses of wine by 9 p.m.? That's the single-mom swag. She'd never be tardy for the party; she's probably already passed out by the time it starts. Anyways, Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta deserves some credit for having the courage to perform this song live on Ellen. We have a genuine appreciation for cougars that know they can't sing or dance but still work it anyway. You know when people ask, "Who told her she could sing? Who allowed this to happen?" We hope to one day be that person, as long as it's not our mommy.
2. 30 Seconds To Mars (Jared Leto), "The Kill (Bury Me)": Maybe we're eternally stuck in the '90s, but Jared Leto's career should have both peaked and declined as Jordan on My So-Called Life or even as heroin Harry in Requiem For a Dream. He should've never picked up the eyeliner, or a microphone for that matter. He also directed this video, a crappy, emo version of The Shining.
Drake, "Over": Drake is another artist who should have stayed in the cable teen-drama strain. While he may be the most successful actor-musician crossover since Hasselhoff, we liked him better when he was the endearing, soft spoken, paraplegic Jimmy from Degrassi. Now he's flamboyantly skipping across stages all over the world and has completely forgotten about his first love, Ashley, and his best friend, Spinner back in Canada.
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