Somehow I've become an expert in messed-up offerings on Etsy at this job, and today I'm here to show you what dedicated, and slightly lunatic, fans of the Thin White Duke are handmaking just for you.
Necklace It's not that this necklace is bad, necessarily. The setting is nice and the quote from Labyrinth is one of the best. It's just that I don't understand why you would go to all this trouble just to mount a plain piece of paper with seven words in Arial printed on it.
You couldn't at least try something slightly snazzier?
Paper Dolls It's a dress-me-up David Bowie paper doll set! I am 100 percent certain that at some point someone asked Bowie if he was interested in licensing something like this, but realized it was just a hair too cliché. It's actually pretty good, though I'm not sure why Bowie has no nose or mouth.
Russian Nesting Dolls There's nothing wrong with being a dedicated fan, which is how I justify my ever-increasing Doctor Who novelization collection. That said, the day you decide that your life is incomplete without 100 percent natural wood, hand-painted Russian nesting dolls is the day you have to come to grips with the fact that if David Bowie met you, he would be seriously creeped out.
Peg Doll Another hand-painted wooden item is this peg doll, which the maker calls Ziggy Stardust but that's painted as Aladdin Sane for some reason. It will arrive from Scotland complete with a note introducing itself, because that isn't exactly how any number of horror movies start. We must also sadly admit that there is simply no way one of these dolls hasn't been inside the person who bought it.
Squid I'm going to let the fact that yet another person is referring to the Aladdin Sane makeup as Ziggy Stardust slide because I just typed "Ziggy Stardust" into Google Image Search and the first five pictures were the Aladdin Sane album cover.
Also, because this is the most adorable squid in the whole world. I don't care if the concept makes zero sense, I'm buying it!
Author's Note: I do realize Aladdin Sane is sometimes considered a Ziggy Stardust album, but the makeup from the actual Ziggy Stardust tour is totally different, if admittedly not as cool.
Glitter I did not know you could put glitter on an album cover and call it art, but here's proof. I'm not sure you can say it's worth $150. You can pick up this album for as little as $25 on eBay, and even with the shortage of glitter resulting from Kesha's career, it's still only $1 at Target. I will give the maker credit on the choice of Low, though. It's a great album not enough people talk about.
Soap This Bowie soap smells of baby powder and patchouli, plus what the maker calls hints of goblin and sparkle. Personally I think it should smell like milk and cocaine for pure historical accuracy, but that's me.
The perfect gift for someone who wants to rub David Bowie all over his or her body in the shower but doesn't want to be rightfully tased by his bodyguards attempting to do so.
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Light-Switch Covers I have nothing mean to say about David Bowie light-switch covers. You might want to mark that in a calendar.
Swimwear If there's anything missing from most swimwear, it's several pieces of metal hanging off of it keeping that whole staying-afloat thing from being enough of a challenge. That's rectified with this swimsuit. Lined for comfort and modesty when wet.
Tooth-Shaped Jewelry It's David Bowie, but as a hand-sewn tooth, and you can wear it as a broach!
Just so you know, I was in the bathroom and that sentence had typed itself by the time I got back. I'm pretty sure it's the incantation to open a parallel world. Don't read it aloud.