Last Friday was the 46th birthday of one of my absolute favorite wrestlers, William Regal aka Steve Regal before the WWE instituted its rather bizarre No-More-Steves rule. Not that it matters, his real name is Darren Matthews.
"Regal" is an amazing man, rising to hold more than 60 titles in various promotions from the lowly stance of a carnival wrestler. I was very dismayed when a heart condition derailed a grand uptick in his career in 2004, though he continued sporadic matches up until this year. I highly recommend his book, Walking a Golden Mile because it is wonderful.
That said... I will always remember that he had one of the most ridiculous entrance themes in the history of wrestling, and today we celebrate some of the dumbest scores in his name. Happy Birthday, sir.
10. Steven Regal In the late '90s WWE tried to play up Regal as a "real man's man" and based their entire image of the on the guy pictured on Brawny paper towels. So here he is being wacky and lumberjacky over a chant so homoerotic it makes "What What (In the Butt)" look like a Klan rally.
9. American Males Back before he became an embarrassment to wrestling and men in general, Buff Bagwell legitimately looked like he was going to be a legendary figure. Teamed with Scotty Riggs, they formed a gigolo team in the mid '90s that sported a theme song that sounds like they are dual sodomizing a vocoder and making it scream their name like some sort of dance music Deliverance.
8. Mr. Ass He went from being a member of the one of the greatest tag teams in wrestling to being called Mr. Ass. What the hell, Billy? Your amplifier was "Bad Ass" and you decided that "Ass" was the important part of that. He kept up this gimmick of mooning people for years until a long-running and highly offensive gay joke actually seemed like he was seeking the higher ground.
7. Hulk Hogan I was going to mock "Real American" but I just can't do it. Hogan was better than Jesus when I was a kid, and I honestly thought he was a hero. That song is like a hymn in my mind, and even today I still love it. Know what I don't love? The utter failure that was the knockoff he used in WCW before the NWO was formed. Holy god, it's like Ted Nugent's poop learned to sing.
6. Outback Jack I had actually managed to drive this one from out of my brain until Clockpole's Joe Ortiz reminded me of it. So thanks, Joe, I hope those giant poison snails get you in your sleep.
5. Rob Conway I remember liking Conway and Rene Dupree as they played up all that ridiculous anti-French sentiment that meatheads were spouting during the Bush years. His singles career came after I stopped regularly watching wrestling so I missed one of the most awful themes I have ever heard. It sounds like Randy Newman walking around in Tom Waits' skin.
4. Bertha Faye In Japan Bertha Faye had been Monster Ripper, a force to behold and an athlete of the highest caliber. WWE turned her into a running fat joke from which she never recovered, and in the end she killed herself. That's what I remember when I hear this stupid theme.
3. Sho Funaki Speaking of things from Japan that America ruined, Funaki spent an amazing 12 years in the WWE being made fun of with every Asian stereotype in existence until they turned him into Kung Fu Naki... in 2008. That theme song isn't from some olden-days era of casual racism, it was penned the same year Coldplay released "Viva La Vida." All that talent wasted, and Funaki finally went home.
2. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea Let this be a lesson to any aspiring wrestlers out there. Do not (allegedly) have an affair with the wife of one of the office higher-ups, or they'll turn you into a Prince joke. I get that this was supposed to be a parody, but that theme song defies belief at not resulting in a lawsuit. Hell, it wasn't all that long ago you couldn't even find a Prince song on YouTube before the copyright attack dogs tore it asunder.
1. X-Factor Someone honestly said, "Let's let Uncle Kracker do a theme song," and absolutely no one punched that person in the face until their hand broke. Sounds like a job for the real man's man, to me. Oh William Regal, where were you when we needed you?
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