The pop and tabloid world was rocked last Friday as we got word that Russell Brand was divorcing his wife of 14 months, Katy Perry, smack in the middle of the holiday season. The pair spent Christmas apart, with Perry cavorting in Maui in a bikini - yes, there are boob shoots - and Brand reportedly doing time in pubs in the UK.
Of course as most modern celebrity marriages go, no one ever believes that they are real, with most writing them off as PR stunts or sad fronts for people trying to dissuade rumors of being a homosexual from tainting their Q ratings. But I always thought that Perry and Brand would "last" for some warped reason. They seemed to be opposite gender counterparts to one another, and they were both on the relatively same plane of fame.
But apparently Perry's lingering religious beliefs and Brand's steadfast atheism kept clashing, long after the initial sexual attraction and honeymoon hangover wore off and reality set in. According to NME, Perry urged Brand to file the divorce papers so as not to run afoul of her godly parental units.
Yes, for someone who has a song called "Peacock" on her latest album and whose last few Rolling Stone photoshoots have been rather racy, we can agree that having a religious hang-up is confusing.
Welp, with Brand and Perry done and boarded up, it's time for us to kick-start our fantasy machine and scout out new men for Perry. Will she take some time off from guys and dive into a new album, some acting, maybe travel the world and not shave the important stuff for awhile? Get super-religious all over again and record an album of Christian girl-pop about saving yourself for marriage?
We could care less about Brand, because we know the dude can handle the female department. Maybe one of the big-breasted UK Nuts models could soothe his sore heart. They look pretty comforting from over here.
Remember that time I interviewed you for Rocks Off and said I should get a tattoo of you and we talked about pizza parties and you called Madonna a cunt? Let's explore that again, maybe at SXSW this year over some street tacos and Shiner? Yeah yeah, I have a girlfriend now, but she sorta likes your music and her hair is purple and dear God I'm so sorry for bothering you don't tell Kristie.
9. Thurston Moore
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Help Sonic Youth frontman Thurston Moore sow his wild oats now that he is separated from Kim Gordon. It's called hipster cred, and Moore can give it to you. Huh-huh-huh "give it". 8. Diplo
Diplo's cool, right? He seems like fun, with all the travel and champagne and sweat. You got a guy in house who can do remixes, and parties are what you need right now, just getting out of a marriage that you hardly had time to nurture, what with the candy-porn and nipple-tape. Homeboy is handsome too.
7. Justin Bieber
It's what we all wanna see, really. Play Mrs. Robinson to this poor son of a bitch, break up his and Selena Gomez's little teenaged fairytale, and ruin him for all women for the rest of his life, or at least his 20's. If Gomez doesn't break his heart or get knocked up - ahem - then you have no choice but to defile this kid for the greater good of his future catalog of music.
6. David Lee Roth
Yes, you are 30 years younger than him - and could very well be your father - but this California boy is basically you if you were a dude in 1985. Don't you see it? The cartoon imagery, the hair, the pop. Make a mash-up of your "California Gurls" and his cover of the Beach Boys' "California Girls" and live happily ever after. You get sweet tickets to see the Van Halen reunion tour too. At least third row or something.
5. Zooey Deschanel
Oh come on! Just be cool for once in your life and forget all that Bible stuff and date your almost exact female double. I mean, I doubt God and Jesus Christ would look at the image of you guys spending a lazy day in bed together, clad in just panties and wife-beaters and destroy the Earth or something. If anything he would reverse global warming and make all puppies and kitties immortal forever.
4. Kanye West
Hey, didn't you guys do that remix of "E.T." together? He's rich, has cool friends, knows all about fashion and art, and you won't need to deal with a mother-in-law. The only downside is that West would post a picture of you naked in the shower shaving your legs onto Twitter, which is good for us but probably not for you. Date Kanye West please.
3. Ryan Gosling
Don't act like you haven't at least lusted after him at least once. Hell, I have myself. At Fun Fun Fun Fest the only thing stopping me from lunging at Baby Goose for a homoerotic embrace was knowing that I had to be at work that Monday, and you know, the lack of bail money. You have cool boobs and stuff, and what man in Gosling's position could turn those - I mean that - down. All the movie premieres and Oscar parties would make it worth it too, even he is secretly a eunuch angel with no man parts. Which I suspect.
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Imagine the musical possibilities, like a June and Johnny thing. He seems religious, even through all the whoring and fucking around, and dated that guy from Gym Class Heroes, who wishes he was Drake. All the fan-girl hate for you dating Drake would bolster your image in the urban markets. So come on, Katy, give Wheelchair Jimmy a spin.
1. Jack White
Once you dye your hair black again - and you really really should - you should ring up Mr. White. He got divorced in 2011, just like you! So there is that, and he lives in Nashville, and you probably love music history and he's tall like your ex-husband, who he would gladly fight for you. Let him produce your next album so hipster fucks will stop complaining about your music - even though they all sing "Firework" out loud in the comfort of their own vehicles.