Rocks Off is waiting for the day that our 52-year-old mother sits us down for a serious talk and says that she's ready to pursue her dream of becoming a rapper.
She'll say, "Mi hijo, you know Lil Casper's mom, Brenda, on 4th Street? Her boyfriend set up a home studio for her. She's spitting that real shit and I want to make an album about your bastard father and how he left us 21 years ago."
Why not? Everyone else thinks it's fine to take the mike. A few weeks ago, we helped judge an upstart open-mike contest called Sounds of the Underground and eight of the 12 "rappers" or rap groups should have been arrested, charged and sentenced for their crimes against humanity that evening.
Fast-forward to last week, when ex-Rocket Steve Francis's quiet debut in hip-hop and R&B was blown open by a Yahoo! sports blog and, well, us. It's not often you see ESPN analysts and strippers retweeting each other, but there was a consensus on his crucifixion.
Unfortunately, our favorite sport -- boxing -- isn't immune to the injustices of its athletes perpetrating various abuses on music in a way that's comparable to what happens to humans in snuff films.
This Saturday night, Floyd Mayweather will face Miguel Cotto on pay-per-view in a much-anticipated bout. You'd think that could get our mind off the "too many rappers, not enough fans" complex the world is facing, which is as important as global warming.
Think again. We're reminded of the very sad period in our lives after then-Mexican-American icon Oscar De La Hoya was deservingly robbed of a win against Puerto Rican Tito Trinidad in the match that was known as the "Fight of the Millennium" on September 18, 1999, in Las Vegas.
We happened to be in a room full of trash-talking Puerto Ricans in Washington, D.C., when Oscar outboxed and outclassed Tito, and then proceeded to run the last few rounds, essentially giving away the fight and our dignity.
Just when we didn't think it could get worse, it was shortly after that fight that "The Golden Boy" released his self-titled album.
We cried. We cried like a ten-year-old girl after the fight and after the album. Our childhood hero was becoming really soft, and little did we know it was all downhill after that.
In tribute to our tears, we count down the "Five Worst Musical Careers by Professional Boxers."
5. Roy Jones Jr.: Roy Jones's flirtation with music came in the form of two albums. The first was 2001's Round One: The Album, which boasted the track "Y'all Must've Forgot," which everyone forgot about. The second, Body Head Bangerz: Volume One actually has lots of Houston ties. Bun B, Lil Flip and Mike Jones were among the features, alongside B.G., Juvenile and Petey Pablo. And then Jones got knocked out by Antonio Tarver.
4. Manny Pacquiao: Some of 2011's most notable vocalists: Adele, Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, Katy Perry, Steven Tyler, Manny Pacquiao and Maroon 5. We assume you had a WTF moment when you got to Manny's name, but understand that the boxer's cover of Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch" hit No. 7 on Billboard magazine's "Secondary Adult Contemporary Chart' in August 2011, and was in company of all the aforementioned artists. We don't care. It still sucks.
3. Oscar De La Hoya: Oscar can't be ranked No. 1, as much as you might have expected him to have earned that spot. Believe it or not, other professional boxers have much worse music. Oscar dropped his self-titled album in 2000 and it actually got some acclaim. It was nominated for a Grammy in the Best Latin Pop Album category. Nomination or not, look at the video and try not to laugh. Ladies, hold onto your stilettos. No, really. Hold onto them.
2. Victor Ortiz: Victor Ortiz may forever be remembered for being knocked out by Mayweather last year in spectacular and controversial fashion, but in Rocks Off's opinion, it should also be noted that he's also responsible for some of the worst rap ever put down by a boxer in the history of the universe. Listen for yourself.
1. Fernando Vargas: It's called "Unconditional Love" but it's full of hate. Fernando Vargas raps in Spanish about his father abandoning him. For those who don't speak Spanish, it'll sound disturbing and could be the theme song for the scariest horror movie ever made. He cries on much of it, adding to the haunting nature of the track. It takes the cake.
Rocks Off's prediction for Saturday? Mayweather by decision. 116-112.
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