Art Rock

The 6 Absolute Ugliest Custom Guitars On The Planet

Rocks Off is currently in the market for a good guitar yet has next to no money, so for the past few months we've been tantalizing ourselves by poring over the multitude of guitars of the Internet. There are some mighty pretty signature guitars out there, including Angus Young's signature Gibson SG and Dave Navarro's signature Paul Reed Smith.

Yes, Navarro's signature model is a surprising display of restraint and taste, whereas we expected him to be wielding something closer to the mighty Wangcaster pictured at right. That's not a gay joke, by the way; the former (still?) Jane's Addiction axeman just has the air of a fella who, apropos of nothing else, would rather be noodling on a big wooden dick.

You, however, have come here for the fugliest of signature rocksticks, and dont you worry. In our browsings, we've found many, many examples of custom guitars we can't believe anyone who wanted to be thought of as a professional would want to be associated with.

6. The Gibson SG Zoot Suit

You know it's a hideous guitar when they won't even show the whole fucking thing in its own advertisement. In case you're curious, here's the entire guitar. Gibson usually makes a fine-looking guitar (except, of course, for the Explorer), so you know they had to be immediately aware that they had a technicolor turd on their hands when they couldn't find anyone better to pawn it off on than the guy from the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.

We'd have loved to have heard his response: "Look, guys, I know I'm just the guitarist in a mediocre swing band that was briefly relevant in 1997 thanks to the film Swingers, but even I am ashamed to be holding this guitar." *Gibson management stuffs a rocket launcher full of thousand dollar bills and fires it at him* "Okay, you know what, maybe it's not that bad..."

Someone on the design committee must not have been familiar with the term "tasty licks." We're supposed to look at a guitar and think, "I bet I could scorch some tasty licks outta that thing!" not, "I wonder how many tasty licks it would take to get to the chewy Tootsie Roll center?"

5. Everything Eddie Van Halen Puts His Hands On

We all know Eddie's trademark Frankenstrat (pictured) is hideous, sure. If it looks like something some kid glued together in his basement, well, that's because that's pretty much what it is.

But why was the guy who blazed that solo on "Eruption" constantly surrounded by so many horrible-looking guitars? Look at this, for chrissakes.

What the shit were they trying for with that yellow thing on the left? Well, at least if you were a luthier in the '80s and you wanted to try out some abstract cubism in your work, you'd know that if it turned out ass-ugly (which it did), Eddie Van Halen would still buy it and display it proudly.

And wait, to the right of the yellow-thing, in between it and the normal-looking Les Paul, is that... is that just a pickax? Okay what is... we don't even... let's move on.

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John Seaborn Gray