The Aliens Should Have Kept Sammy Hagar

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Judging by the headline, you already know where Rocks Off stands when it comes to Van Hagar versus a David Lee Roth-fronted Van Halen. We love to hate Sammy Hagar, almost to the point where we actually like him a little bit.

We can't even explain that feeling. It's like how when you were young and hitting puberty and you had that weird tinge in your pants when a pretty girl walked by, but replace the like with hate and you have an idea of what we mean.

So when we found out in the recent Rolling Stone interview and various blogs touting his new autobiography, Red: My Uncensored Life In Rock, and now that he claims he was visited and briefly abducted by aliens, we wished that they could have just kept him.

No matter what time in his life he was abducted, it would have infinitely better for the world, whether he was four, 24, 54, or today, or tomorrow. Plus, he's a ginger, and not the cool redheaded chick who scratches your face and sets your car on fire. He-Gingers are cruel and inhuman monsters.

But what's confusing is that back in the '80s he had blonde hair most of the time, like in the "I Can't Drive 55" video. We agree that when you drive that slow, you know it's hard to steer and that you can't get your car out of second gear. What used to take two hours now actually takes all day. Agreed, Sammy.

If you know us personally, you will remember that we have an almost instinctual hate of Hagar. You can say his name out loud around us and before you get to the second syllable in his last name we will have already said "Fuck Sammy Hagar".

Even when we were young and first getting exposed to Van Halen through MTV and the radio, we knew it was wrong that someone else was singing for the band after David Lee Roth left, like how you are born knowing that murder and rape are wrong, that's how we felt about Hagar.

If only aliens would have kept him instead of throwing him back, we could have maybe had Ronnie James Dio or David Johanssen fronting Van Halen after Roth. Who knows what we would have happened with Hagar, but we sure as shit wouldn't have to have heard "Dreams" or Finish What Ya Started" ever.

Just watch YouTube videos of Halen with Roth and Halen with Hagar. At which party would you be more likely to get laid, drunk, coked-up and/or stoned? Not the Hagar one, where you would have to ask a girl what she was thinking while you massaged her feet after you gave her a pedicure.

Then we take a step back and realize that more than likely that Hagar is a nice guy offstage, which we assume is true by reading interviews. As long as he wasn't singing Van Halen songs on a stage in front of cognizant humans, we could probably kill a bottle of tequila with him, and tell boy stories.

And at 63 years old, he probably has some cool stories to tell, as long they aren't about being in and turning Van Halen into a tall, frosty glass of liquid human shit.

So in essence, him being taken by extraterrestrials would be for the good of mankind, almost making him a savior figure, disappearing from the planet a la Jesus Christ so we wouldn't have suffer the pains of "Why Can't This Be Love?" and "Love Walks In."

But we just listened to "Right Now" three or four times in a row, so now we are torn all over again. OK, where's that cat o' nine tails? We got some self-flagellation to do while we crank "Hot For Teacher."

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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