The Beaumonts Love the Lord, Just Not Nashville Autotune Pop Cowboys

Troy Wayne Delco, fearless leader of the Beaumonts, is not your average alt-country fool. Or tool.

No, Mr. Delco is an extraordinary alt-country fool, a buffoon of Country Dick Montana stature, a bard of Mojo Nixonesque talent careening about as far into the bar ditch as he can take his band of slackers and ne-er-do-wells ("we're very serious about our mediocrity") in hopes of pissing off large portions of the population or shaking something up.

Rocks Off recently played the Beaumonts' new Saustex Media release Where Do You Want It? for a local disc jockey, who immediately professed to "love" the album but informed us that it would not be possible to air any of the songs on radio. Oh darn.

Just when we thought the world was ready for a song like "Toby Keith (Is the Ugliest Woman That I Think I've Ever Seen)" or a lyric like "If you don't love the Lord, you're fuckin' fucked." Maybe in the next century.

We caught up with Delco at his day job at a screen print shop in Manchaca.

Rocks Off: You've taken comedic shots at Toby Keith and religion and about anything else that's crossed your path. Where do you see this songwriting trend going?

Troy Wayne Delco: There's so much suckage, such a plethora of targets, it's hard to say what we'll jump on next. It's pretty easy to slam on these Autotune pop cowboys from Nashville with their shitty fake Lynyrd Skynyrd lyrics, but that's like low-hangin' fruit. And all this stupid Texas music and Red Dirt crap, jeez. But let's face it, there's so much stuff out there worth making fun of or bitching about, I'm sure we'll come up with something interesting and fun. At least to us.

RO: So do you actually listen to mainstream country music?

TWD: We were out in San Angelo a month ago and we were sitting around the motel really stoned and they had CMT on the cable. That Blake Shelton song, the one that says "chew tobacco, chew," came on. I had to grab a beer and hide under the covers.

RO: You really stuck it to poor Toby.

TWD [laughs]: Like I said, such an easy target.

HP: I read you guys were actually hoping he'd hear it and send you a cease and desist letter, make a big fuss.

TWD: I think Jeff Smith [lead singer of Hickoids/head of Saustex Media] gave Toby's road manager a copy. I guess we either don't matter -- highly likely -- or Toby's smart enough not to even call attention to it. Whatever. Either way, it was a fun thing to write and it's not like fans of the Nashville mainstream are flocking to our shows or buying our record.

RO: Seems like Pat Robertson and some of his ilk aren't likely to be big fans of "If You Don't Love the Lord" either.

TWD: I don't see why. We've got essentially the same message: If you don't love the Lord, you're fucked. Isn't that what all the TV preachers preach? I don't see a problem here. I just don't have the sophisticated vocabulary that guys like Pat Robertson have.

RO: The Hickoids have been known to take things to excess. Will the Hickoids spoil the party Saturday night?

TWD: They are my heroes, they can do no wrong. I act like a kid when I'm around them. For me, it's worth the price of gas and time to just come to Rudyard's in Houston and have a hamburger and watch those guys work. I never get tired of them, there's always something newer and stupider.

RO: So what kind of lapse of judgment does it take to accept playing on a bill in Houston with Poor Dumb Bastards?

TWD: Oh, man, we played with them in another band I was in a long time ago and I've really loved that shit ever since. It's what I call rock and roll. You can't stand too close, before you leave the house you need to make plans to bail someone out of jail or maybe get some stitches.

But that's just the tradeoff with playing with bad motherfuckers sometime, you just have to dive in. I probably have some mental deficiency for wanting to do it.

RO: Do you bring your own microphone when you're paired with Hickoids, since Jeff Smith is known for putting the mike in places most of us don't or wouldn't?

TWD: You do know Jeff sells all of his mikes to Bob Schneider, right? Whenever they get to stinking real good, he just calls up Bob. But trust me, I have my own microphone and it says T-R-O-Y on it real plain.

HP: There's a bit of misogyny in the Beaumontian oeuvre. How do you think women view the Beaumonts?

TWD" That's the biggest mystery to me. We play at White Horse, which is the new "in" honky-tonk place in Austin, and maybe 60 percent of the crowd are ladies and they all seem to like it. And if it's one thing I've learned in my life, dudes will follow girls to the stupidest shit ever, and we're proof of it.

Anyway, we're glad the ladies seem to like us and come out to hear us because there's nothing worse than playing to six dudes who just want to know what size strings you use.

RO: Who is the one artist you wish would cover a Beaumonts song?

TWD: Ray Wylie Hubbard. We know Ray, and he's had all the same bad experiences we've had, been through a lot of the same idiotic stuff. But still, I doubt he's willing to ruin his career covering something we wrote. But you never know.

RO: You guys are going on ten years, but you haven't exactly been high-profile until just recently. What was your first thought when the label told you the band would be featured in Texas Music magazine?

TWD: I asked Jeff if this was a joke on them or had they actually heard us. And then I asked him, "Are you screwing someone over there or what?" I mean, it's a real publication, not some dude in his mom's basement writing a blog.

The Beaumonts join the Hickoids and Poor Dumb Bastards tonight at Rudyard's, 2010 Waugh. Doors open at 9 p.m.


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