Note: Our friends at L.A. Weekly hung out at the 17th annual Gathering of the Juggalos in Legend Valley, Ohio, this weekend, and sent us this report. Whoop-whoop!
Juggalos are hilarious. All weekend long, if you could hear them over the boom of fireworks and horrorcore rap, Gathering attendees were dropping one-liners faster than a classic Simpsons episode. Not always intentionally, but still. So thanks for the laughs and the memories, ninjas. And here, without further ado, are the greatest things we overheard at the Gathering.
"You know it's hot out when all the Mohawks are drooping to one side." - observant staffer in the ticket booth
"Come back tonight for hot girls and fat dudes." — hype man at Mike Busey's party camp
"I should get stoned for that shit." - Member of Luniz after mistakenly referring to Juggalos as "Jiggalos" (apparently not realizing that Juggalos will, in fact, stone you for that shit)
"Customized penis for sale, customized penis." — Juggalo drunk driving in a golf cart
"I don't know if you're familiar with the ground, but there's no give to it whatsoever." — Insane Clown Posse member and wrestling commentator Shaggy 2 Dope, breaking down a body slam administered outside the ring
"You guys up to no good?" "Whoop-whoop, this is the Gathering, it's all up to no good." — dreadlocked Juggalo looking through a box of Whistling Buster firecrackers
"I'm sorry I don't know the difference between GWAR and Cannibal Corpse." - annoyed Juggalo child, to his annoying Juggalo/metalhead father
"Any chance anybody could get me a taco salad and just crowd-surf it to the front? With sour cream on the side and shit." — one of the Twiztid guys, deep in the throes of an onstage case of the munchies
"Is that guy wearing a shower bladder?" (Yes, he was.)
"Sorry, it bounced off a fucking tree and I tripped out." — a Juggalo apologizing to another Juggalo for a firecracker mishap
"I don't need my dick in the L.A. Weekly." — professional wrestler Tommy Dreamer, putting on his wrestling gear backstage at Bloodymania 10
"Every time I see him, I want to put my boobs in his face." — Juggalette MILF talking about Joe, the paraplegic Juggalo who looks like Leonardo DiCaprio if he were a Sons of Anarchy character
"You fucked up! You fucked up!" - chant heard from Juggalo crowds everywhere, usually at the expense of a sound guy
"Why do I do this to myself?" — existential graffiti inside a particularly befouled porta-potty
"Fuck your bubbles." — girl not down with bubbles, to another girl blowing bubbles
"Racism exists in this world, man." — one beer-drinking Juggalo talking politics with another beer-drinking Juggalo
"I low-key feel like I need to wash my hands." — Juggalo reaching into his cargo shorts and contemplating what he's done
"You know who would be a dope-ass guest? Ludacris. But no. Fuckers." — Jugalette unhappy with the quality of this Gathering's surprise special guests
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"Whoop-whoop? Fuck, somebody say something, fuck." — lonely Juggalo on the bleachers
"I'm a ninja, I'm a hoodie ninja...Oh wait, I'm a girl. I'm a ninjette, I'm a ninjette..." — Juggalette gender-flipping an MC Chris song
"Make America whoop again." — a Juggalo with a future in politics
"We're gonna march on D.C., motherfuckers!" — the last Juggalo we heard before leaving the Gathering (you've been warned, America)