The Eight Stupidest iPhone Music Apps

Apple's foray into the social-network field failed big-time last month with the release of Ping, the iTunes-linked program that promised to connect you to your favorite artists, as long as your favorite artist is Justin Bieber.

When it comes to iTunes, we at Rocks Off are a discerning sort. It takes a lot to get us to pay for an app, mostly because, like any other cheap junk, those 99-cent bits of data can accumulate quickly and lead to clutter. An app has to have good reviews, work as advertised, not be a unitasker, and most of all, it must provide a service worth paying for. That is, if we can do the same thing on our iPhone for free, why pay for the app?

This morning as we were downloading the Austin City Limits app in prep for this weekend (available for both Droid and iPhone), we got to thinking about the dumbest music apps we'd seen. And then we got to looking for them. Behold, the eight stupidest iPhone apps.

8. Christmas Music by nuTsie: Nothing feels more like hell than a crowded store in November blaring sentimental Christmas music. Yes, we know there are tons of holiday music lovers out there. Just call us Scrooge. The Christmas Music app features a dozen playlists of holiday-themed music, including one consisting solely of different versions of "Jingle Bells." Kill us now.

7. The Presidents of the United States of America: POTUSA's entire music catalog, available for less than $3. It doesn't say very much for the band, now does it?

6. PET Bottling: Do you ever get a Coke out of the vending machine at work and, once the drink is gone, use the bottle like a thunderstick? How much is that soda usually? $1.50? The PET Bottling app promises, in broken English, that "You can play a acoustic instrument as like real PET bottle." It's $2.99. Congratulations. You just paid for the sound a piece of trash makes.

5. Sad Trombone: There's already a one-trick-pony Web site dedicated to the sad trombone, and now there's an app for that too. And sad trombones are all you'll be hearing if you actually pay the money for such a novelty. Pro tip: You can make the sound with your mouth! At least have the dignity to download Instant Rimshot instead, so you can use it to punctuate all of your hilarious jokes.

4. Bon Jovi Tour Guide: There are a lot of apps for ultimate fans (see above, re: POTUSA) but there are also a lot of apps for ultimate lazies. This app's creator (an Italian herself) promises:

CONCERTS SETLIST! ...YOUTUBE VIDEOS of concerts, ... PHOTOS of concerts on Flickr! (and)...info about tickets availability and links to buy them.

Guess what. if you have a smartphone, these are things you can already do without the app.

3. Glowstick: It's a glowstick. For your iPhone. Yep, that's all it does. And we though the Sonic Lighter was dorky.

2. I Am T-Pain: First we Auto-Tuned the news. With the I Am T-Pain app you can now Auto-Tune anything you want with portable convenience of this iPhone app. A call to the dentist to make an appointment? That presentation you have to give Wednesday? Sweet nothings whispered into your partner's ear? The possibilities are endless.

1. Shazam: Yes, we know it's a popular app. It also kind of sucks. Half the time it doesn't even show the right song info, the other half of the time it crashes your phone. It also leads to dependence. remember when you learned about an artist by hearing the song on the radio or as a recommendation from friends?

Now Rocks Off has friend who has resorted to Shazaming commercials. It gets worse. At the Pat Benatar show at House of Blues in August, we spied a guy Shazaming the entire show.

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