Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!
Once again the time has come to select the most excellent musicians in our midst to enshrine them in the Rock and Roll Hall of fame. The list of nominees for the 2012 induction ceremony has been released, and we couldn't be happier to see bands like the Cure, Guns n' Roses, and Heart get their due.
And as we lovingly perused the list, a feeling of utter dread came upon us. The skies dimmed, the dogs growled, Rebecca Black released another video. Horror came upon us because this year's list proves that the world is about to go out in a flaming ball of God's wrath.
All 15 nominees have connections to the Book of Revelation. Some are obvious, and some need a little cameling through the eye of the needle to fit, but do not doubt we have definitely data mapped God's blueprint for Armageddon here.
Let's start with the Cure. They started their rise to fame with a 1978 single called "Killing an Arab." Well Rev 12:8 hits us with "And their dead bodies shall lie in the street of the great city, which spiritually is called Sodom and Egypt, where also our Lord was crucified." Sounds pretty dead-Arabish to us.
We can kill two albatrosses with one stone while examining Joan Jett and the Blackhearts as well as Heart. "For she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow." That's Rev. 18:7. Both groups have top-of-the-game female performers, and none of them are widows.
Late bluesman Freddie King? Well, in addition to being one of the most influential blues guitarist of all time was also know for having one of the first multi-racial backing bands. Good, right? Wrong. Bad. Portent bad. Rev. 10:11 "Thou must prophesy again before many peoples, and nations, and tongues, and kings." Uh oh.
The Small Faces got started with a couple of hot singles from their 1969 self-titled debut, though the real gem on the album is "E to D" which really shows off Steve Marriott's voice. In America the song was called "Running Wild," and in Rev. 12:6 Johnny says, "And the woman fled into the wilderness."
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The Spinners are also on the nominee list, and they first set Motown on fire with a song called "That's What Girls are Made For." The fourteenth chapter of Revelation begins with singing a powerful song that only those who had not defiled women. In other words, you need to have treated your girl right as the Spinners advised.
We're not even going to bother with the Beastie Boys or Donovan here. The word "beast" appears almost 60 times in Revelation, and without Donovan we'd never had have the song "Season of the Witch." These too have been signs of the apocalypse for years. Their nominations are really just gravy on these brimstone mashed potatoes.
Most of the best book in the Bible is a secret code calling Laura Nyro the antichrist. Whoops! We meant to say Nero. Not Nyro. Or did we?
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are up for induction again this year, and they don't appear in Revelation... unless. Hey, isn't Flea's real name Michael? Holy hand grenade, check out Rev. 12:7! "Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels." Flea kicked Anthony Keidis out of the Chili Peppers for a while until he beat heroin... also knows as chasing the dragon.
Right before the RHCP reference the Bible simply states that there was War in Heaven. Damn right they're jamming to "Low Rider" in Heaven.
Eric B. & Rakim remain one of the most influential rap duos ever, and their career was foretold in scripture. Rev. 11:3 makes mention of them in the passage, "And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days."
That time length is almost exactly the length of the group's career from their debut album Paid in Full to their appearance in House Party 2 soundtrack... clearly the end of the road.
Sometimes it's hard for us to believe that Guns N' Roses is really old enough to receive this honor. After all, Appetite for Destruction is the first CD we ever bought, mainly because of "Paradise City." Apparently St. John liked it too. Rev. 14:8 "And there followed another angel, saying, Babylon is fallen, is fallen, that great city, because she made all nations drink of the wine of the wrath of her fornication."
Goodbye to where the girls are pretty, we guess.
We're almost to the end of the madness folks. Did you know that Chaka Khan was born Yvette Marie Stevens? Do you know what Steven means? A crown. It means a crown. They use this little bit of etymology to slip her into Rev. 12:1 "A woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of 12 stars." The stars represent her 10 Grammys and two BET awards.
And what of disco queen Donna Summer? Well, even thought we like to go on and on and on and on about the end of the world, plagues of locusts, and the slaughter of innocents upon the swords of angels doing crystal meth, we would like to point of that Revelation does end on a happy note.
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God picks up the pieces and made everything copacetic. The righteous, like us and the completely arbitrary number of you who will join us, will definitely be there at the end singing I will survive.
Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.-Rev 1:3