2. World's Greatest Dad Weird thing about rock stars in the '70s: for whatever reason, they could have tons of sex with underage fans, and nobody tried to stop them. Jimmy Page did it, Steven Tyler did it, they kind of all did -- even the ones you like, hippie. So Ted was hardly alone in frisking his fair share of jailbait back in the day, but at least he was classy about it.

See, in 1978, Nugent wanted to shack up with a 17-year-old whom we can probably assume knew all the words to "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang." Problem was, he was 30, and she wasn't quite old enough to marry. Now, far be it from Ted to be living in sin with a teenager, so he did the proper thing. With her parents' (unbelievable) consent, he went ahead and became her legal guardian. He adopted her.

Oddly enough, the relationship didn't last -- the sexual one, not the father-daughter one. Well, actually both. Perhaps she gets a Christmas (never Xmas!) card every year. But hey, who cares? If it's cool with a Family Values Conservative like the Nuge's good buddy Greg Abbott, then adopting a schoolgirl in order to do unspeakable rock-star sex shit to her is cool with us, too.

1. Damn Yankees Damn Yankees was a glossy, '80s rock "supergroup" with Ted Nugent, the wuss from Styx and the bassist from Night Ranger in it. They had a minor hit with the obnoxious power ballad "High Enough."

"High Enough" fucking sucks ass. All politics aside, this piece of shit has got to be some kind of human rights violation. If there's anything that can bring right and left together in this country, it's the universal understanding that "High Enough" should be waterboarded, shot and buried at sea. Then we may as well set that sea on fire, 'cause we ain't never going back there.

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