Outside Linebackers: Similar to the middle linebackers, the outsider linebackers are primarily concerned with stopping the run, though they must be able to shift out and cover receivers/tight ends when necessary. They need to be equally as tenacious as their MLB counterparts, but a hair less sociopathic; they needn't have ever murdered anyone, but, y'know, an assault here or there is nice.

Starters: John Dew and B L A C K I E

Why: John Dew is a surprise pick here. But he has a solid frame and (we suspect) nimble feet. Also, he teaches at an inner-city school, so he's likely, at the very least, had to stab a kid or two. And B L A C K I E is a goddamn walking thunderstorm. Nobody is breaking out of his side alive. No. Bah. Dee.

Cornerback: Should be a Tazmanian devil. He needs to be fearless to succeed here. He must be EAGER, to take on the other team's most threatening player, regardless of size and strength differences. And since we're running that modified 4-4 defense, and we're blitzing a lot, he must be able to survive all alone for periods at a time.

Starter: Killa Cal-Wayne

Why: Because the guy appears to actively be chasing down insanity. He's little, but so is a piranha, and fuck if you're getting in the water if you know one is in there. He believes in himself endlessly, which is an absolutely vital character trait someone who plays here must possess.

That's a nasty group of sirs right there. No way anyone is scoring on them. Shit, most times the other team might not even make it to halftime alive.

Be here Friday for the offensive starters.