The Media Loves Your Album. Who Are You?

If Rolling Stone loves your album, it means...

• You are a well-established musician with legions of loyal fans who may be interested in perhaps taking out some full-page advertisements in, oh, say, some kind of mainstream rock publication.

• Your album was released 30 years ago and our critics at the time shit all over it. History, however, has chosen to remember your album as a classic, so we'll give it a second, glowing review in which we accuse the guy who reviewed it the first time of tragic short-sightedness so that we don't go down in history as the only assholes who didn't like Led Zeppelin III.

If Pitchfork loves your album, it means...

• They are going to fucking detest your second album, whether it's any good or not.

• Expect legions of new "fans" in tight, brightly colored clothes who go to your shows for the sole purpose of finding their friends and talking in a big circle while smoking outside.

• By this time next year, you will be forgotten completely.

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John Seaborn Gray