Being Beyonce is apparently a tough gig to pull off. Not only is she a pop icon, she's also a faux-baby-bump-sporting member of the Illuminati who is buying Neverland Ranch. And that's just the Bey of the past year or so.
Look back a bit further and you'll figure out that she's been pregnant once a month for at least four years or so -- which defies the odds on every level -- and she's slept through a Japanese earthquake to boot. The Beyonce rumor mill is always churning up newer, more ridiculous shit, giving us some of the most absurd headlines known to man, even by Radar Online standards.
Bey will be in town next week for a stop on the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour, the first of her two scheduled shows here this year, so we figured what better way to help you prep for the madness than to remind you of the many ways the world is obsessed with Queen Bey, courtesy of some of the worst Beyonce-themed headlines around.
So here ya go -- welcome to our Beyonce rumor roundup. Prepare yourself for a boatload o' stupid, and a whole lot of pregnant. Jay Z must be a serious stud.
"Madonna Snubs Gwyneth! Ignored Her Former BFF For Beyonce At Met Gala" Only the highest level of Illuminati diva could oust Gwyneth Paltrow from her spot as Madge's BFF, so I suppose if you're going to fuel a fire, it might as well be with something kind of flammable, right? (Radar Online)
"Eating For Two? Beyonce's $1k Feast In Ireland -- 28 Whole Chickens, 10 Sides Of Corn" Bey must have the worst pregnancy cravings of all time, and I'm slightly scared for her insides, because I'm not even sure the dude off Man Vs Food could consume such a massive amount of chicken -- even if he happened to be pregnant. (Radar Online)
"Did Beyonce Fake Her Baby Bump?!" I'm not sure which of the hundreds of pregnancies this is from, but I suppose if the rumor was good enough for Katie Holmes, it's good enough for Beyonce, right? It's totally normal for celebrities to sport prosthetic baby bumps in order to cover up the fact that they used a surrogate for, well, I'm not sure entirely what they used a surrogate for. (AOL Music Blog)
"Beyonce's new song sounds like something that was cut from the rave musical inspired by The Jungle Book" I just really like the idea of a song sounding like it was cut from anything rave-Jungle Book-ish. It would be brain-overload if the thing actually existed, though. (DListed)
"The World Will Be Graced By The Presence of Another Holy One, Reportedly" The knocked-up rumor ticker is clocking in at No. 1,986, 714. That poor girl is always pregnant. (DListed)
"'Bey-Z' took a look at Jacko ranch" So according to the media rumor mill, Beyonce and Jay Z not only toured Neverland Ranch, they were also quite serious about purchasing the damn thing. No one wants it. No one. Especially not Blue Ivy. (New York Post)
"Beyonce Bans Kim Kardashian From Inner Circle?" I hope this is the Illuminati inner circle that she's banning her from. Also, really, Christian Post? I'm confused by your coverage of Beyonce. (The Christian Post)
"Beyonce Cheated On Jay-Z According to His New Song "Holy Grail" Well, you know... 'cause every song Jay Z has written has got to be about his relationship Beyonce and not, oh, other shit from his life as Shawn Carter. (Celebrity Dirty Laundry)
