As it stands today, the world waits with bated breath for the birth of the royal baby, the offspring of Prince William and Kate Middleton. To be honest with you, I don't know much about the royal family. They exist completely in the periphery for me. However, I do know all about parenting, and I thought that now would be a good time to share some of my hard earned knowledge with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
Of course, I don't have any children myself, nor have I ever spent any significant time around a child. Actually, they sort of scare me, with their big heads and bug eyes. However, I have internalized the lyrical wisdom of a thousand British scholars by way of pop and rock musicians.
Seeing how that's the best education one could possibly have to prepare for raising a kid, I think I'm more than qualified to impart these lyrics and advice to the royal family.
10. The Smiths, "Barbarism Begins at Home" Key Lyrics: "Unruly boys who will not grow up must be taken in hand Unruly girls who will not settle down, they must be taken in hand A crack on the head is what you get for not asking And a crack on the head is what you get for asking"
Leave it to that old right-winger Morrissey to advocate something we here in America view as awful and antiquated as corporal punishment. Nevertheless, sometimes you just have to give a kid a crack on the head when they won't settle down or grow up. This one's really more of a lesson for Kate and William, but I think the royal baby will get the idea pretty quickly too.
9. Genesis, "I Can't Dance" Key Lyrics: "I can't dance, I can't talk Only thing about me is the way I walk I can't dance, I can't sing I'm just standing here selling everything"
The idea here is that some people are just naturally talented, and others are not. Given the royal genes this kid is inheriting, its only talent is probably going to be looking good and waving to the public. Kate and William need to teach it how to walk and strut its stuff for the general populace. These extravagant trips and public appearances aren't going to arrange themselves, after all.
8. Black Sabbath, "A National Acrobat" Key Lyrics: "When little worlds collide I'm trapped inside my embryonic cell And flashing memories are cast into the never-ending well"
This one is a bit tricky, so follow me on it. This line is being sung from the perspective of a baby, who can see and hear all but is trapped inside the womb like a prison. That's pretty metal.
More importantly, that baby is committing all the evil outside the womb to memory and it's going to come out all sorts of fucked up if it's exposed to the wrong stuff. The point is, keep Kate away from evil things, like, you know, Black Sabbath.
7. Radiohead, "Idioteque" Key Lyrics: "Take the money and run, take the money and run, take the money Here I'm allowed everything all of the time The first of the children"
Radiohead's music may seem scary and depressing at first, but it actually has an uplifting message if you're an ultra-privileged member of the royal family. Essentially, you can take the money and run. You're home free for life; the first of the children.
You can have "everything all of the time," and you're allowed that because you're essentially a god among pitiful mortals. Kate and William know this already, now it's time to let their child know.
6. Kate Bush, "Running Up That Hill" Key Lyrics: "And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God And I'd get him to swap our places"
It's the classic story of the prince and the pauper: the bored prince wants to experience life as a pauper in the streets. Don't be fooled, though! The message here, and the lesson Prince William and Kate need to teach their baby, is to understand that the grass is always greener on the other side, but life as royalty is perfection. Our royal baby will have to learn to take pity on the poor paupers, rather than envying them -- or, God forbid, wanting to be one of their kind.
5. The Rolling Stones, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" Key Lyrics: "You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes, you might find You get what you need"
Let's face facts: not everyone can have a beautiful baby. Sure, Kate Middleton is pretty damn attractive, but her husband and his royal genes leave something to be desired. It's a 50/50 chance this thing is gonna come out ugly.
That's okay, though. Like Mick Jagger said, you can't always get what you want. That being said, the kid is royalty! He could look like the Elephant Man and he'd still be set for life! Bottom line is, you get what you need.
4. Adele, "Someone Like You" Key Lyrics: "I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited But I couldn't say away; I couldn't fight it I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over"
We all get our heart broken at some point, even if we're a member of the royal family. That's why it's a good idea to teach the royal baby that "stalking" is merely in the eye of the beholder. There's nothing wrong with checking up on someone ten or 20 times a day, especially when you have the endless surveillance capabilities of the royal family at your disposal.
3. Oasis, "Cigarettes & Alcohol" Key Lyrics: "Is it worth the aggravation to find yourself a job When there's nothing worth working for?"
Noel Gallagher nailed it on this one. Nothing's worth working for, so don't even bother trying to get a job. It's a pretty blunt message. Now, I don't know if this sentiment would work out all that well for the proletariat, but for our darling royal baby, it's perfect.
Who better to make a strong stance against working than someone who will never have to work a day in their life anyway? Kate and William should teach their child well never to value a day's hard work.
2. Amy Winehouse, "Back to Black Key Lyrics: "He left no time to regret Kept his dick wet with his same old safe bet"
A member of the royal family needs to be chivalrous, if nothing else. Yes, scandals feed the popularity of the royals, but ultimately they have to come out smelling like a rose to keep the loyalty of the masses. That's why even though the royal baby could have any guy or girl it wants, it must learn to maintain a squeaky-clean image of sexual purity by settling for the "same old safe bet." Or, you know, at least learning how to cover things up.
1. Elton John, "Levon" Key Lyrics: "He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas Day When The New York Times said 'God is dead' and the war's begun."
This one is the holy grail of parenting advice right here. It just rings so true to everything you should and should not do with your child with the epic parable about Jesus and his father Levon. First off, don't be afraid to name the child Jesus. If you like the name, use it! Secondly, if your son ever wants to float off on one of your cartoon balloons to go to Venus, don't even try to stop him. Just let him go. Third, and most importantly, introduce him as soon as possible to the teachings of Friedrich Nietzsche.
This is really parenting 101, and all you need for he basis of raising a child. Hopefully, armed with these tools, Kate and William will raise the best damn royal baby in he history of royal babies.
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