The Scientifically Engineered Worst Song in the World

Crazy science, will you ever learn? Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Sure, we could start transplanting monkey heads on humans, but you shouldn't. The atom bomb sure as hell ended World War II, but it began an era of atomic fear and guilt. We ended up with all kinds of hassles, like communism and bad Schwarzenegger movies.

This brings us to the crack team of Dave Soldier and Komar & Melamid, who scientifically created the world's worst song. It clocks in at over 20 minutes. The trio has a Web site where they asked visitors to list their most hated sounds, be they operatic hip-hop with cowboy lyrics, swelling harps  or marching-band music from hell. They claim that "fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population will enjoy this," but released it anyhow.

The site gets very scientific and is hella confusing. The guys basically used the thought behind software that figures out the most desirable musical tones, and went the sadistic route by doing the opposite. The result is elevator music for schizophrenics and those enduring acid flashbacks.

We just listened to the track in full, and it's not bad per se - that is, provided you dig batshit, emotionally jarring music, where children sing about Easter shopping at Walmart. It also features plenty of oompah horns and bagpipes, so at least it's multiculturally offensive. (That's not even mentioning the Dracula organ dirges, either.)

The world can gather around and hate it together. Also, you may never think of Yom Kippur the same way ever again. Nonetheless, it's funny, too, in a Dadaist way. This would definitely be a perfect Valentine's gift for your absurdist boyfriend who did his final U of H art project by donning a meat helmet and officiating a mass pet marriage on Discovery Green.

And we always thought the worst song in the world was whatever Clay Aiken was singing at the moment.

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