The Top Five Stunt Queen Antics From Last Night's MTV VMAs

Can we just rename last night's MTV VMAs the MTV JTMAs? Cause really, now. Mr. Justin Timberlake dominated that stage the entire night, even with Lady Gaga warbling off-key and Miley Cyrus grabbing at her crotch every two seconds. It was teh impressive.

JT performed a medley of what seemed to be every darn hit out of his catalog, and even pulled off that rumored 'NSync reunion, albeit momentarily. The beautiful thing about Mr. Timberlake is that even with the near twenty minute set, he managed to pull off some flawless vocals and dancing, which really led us to believe the dude can do anything and should be schooling all the young'uns on how this pop star thing is done. He's a pro, and he deserved those moon men he received.

Bruno Mars also deserves a bit of an honorable mention, although his performance was nowhere near the length of JT's, nor did they incorporate such wicked calisthenics, but damn that boy can sing. He's got the vocals, no matter what your take on his music.

But even with JT and Bruno Mars as stand-in VMA superheros to the rescue, the VMAs were -- as usual -- a hot mess of stunt queen antics, and we'd like to discuss them because, well, that's what we do. Consider it a PSA against such atrocities in case you ever find yourself onstage at the VMAs, because no one should do these things in life -- or in public -- ever.

Here are the five things about this year's VMAs that we found strange as hell, and not in a good way. These are also things we'd advise against if you're an artist that wants to be taken seriously because, despite popular belief, the old adage, "any press is good press," isn't always true.

5. Katy Perry's "Roar" performance, fully equipped with a cheesy boxing ring and giant belt prop.

Yes, Katy Perry owns her penchant for all things cheesy -- she's queen of wearing props, cupcake bras included -- but everything from that blingy grill to her obnoxious boxer shorts proved so distracting from her actual performance that who knows what she even sounded like. It was just a mess and a half.

Also, it's about time for pop stars to stop with the grill thing. Really. It's just making you look like you have less street cred than before, if that's even possible.

4. Kanye's attempt to revert back to the style of "singing" -- which is really just auto tune and some mic-screaming -- that he already caught major shit for on previous albums.

No matter how many big celebs tweeted it, or yelled it into the mic during their acceptance speeches, that performance of whatever the hell it was -- some abysmal version of "Blood On The Leaves," we think -- was really quite awful. All we could think was Jesus, Yeezus. Just stop now before it gets any worse. You're not some strange experimental indie artist; you're a rapper who once wore a giant piece and chain with Jesus on it, and you call yourself Yeezus. Enough of the other mess. Chose one field to play ball on, please, and it better be rap.

3. Miley using a giant foam finger as a naughty prop, and her penchant for mimicking a lizard.

No matter what anyone tells you, a giant foam finger is not the way to come off as alluring, or sexy, or even edgy. It's kind of weird, and not terribly enticing, even if you rub your crotch with it a thousand and six times. Just take Miley as a warning against the dangers of naughtying up a foam finger as an example. Even Drake looked bored. Not only that, but it's about time for that tongue to go back into the depths from which it came.

2. One Direction receiving the "Song of the Summer" award.

One Direction's song isn't terrible, per se, but it's hard to understand why it won when placed in a category against actual artists like Ellie Goulding, who can sing her pretty little ass off. It's all confusing and made us genuinely feel very old. Perhaps it's that 10:30 p.m. is well past our bedtime, and we were distracted from trying to get those damn kids off our lawn, but we just felt that the song of the summer should have been one that people would actually want to listen to.

1. Robin Thicke incorporating Miley Cyrus into his performance of "Blurred Lines."

We kind of wanted to have a pep talk with Mr. Thicke last night, as Miley pranced around the stage semi-twerking and making everyone uncomfortable. Even Robin looked uncomfortable as Miley licked his neck. Yes, she licked his neck. Why in the world would a pop star as big as Robin Thicke resort to such stunt queen antics?

He really doesn't need 2 Chainz and Miley onstage to sell a performance of the biggest song of the summer (see above for the sham version of the song of the summer), and now people aren't talking about how great his performance was or how spot on his vocals were. They're talking about Miley's damn foam finger instead. It was strange and unnecessary, and well, we just wanted to go to bed after that whole mess.


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