The Ultimate Houston Rap Battle Royal: Who Should You Fight?

Page 2 of 4

Trae: Please. That'd be like trying to fight a bulldozer.

Z-Ro: Please. That'd be like trying to fight a bulldozer that had probably murdered, like, at least four people already.

ESG: True story: When ESG was first gaining a lot of buzz, some guys broke into his house and tried to rob him and some other people there at the time. He wrestled the gun away from one of them and shot him in the head. So, no. No, you should not try to fight ESG.

Lil' Keke: Yes. His scowl is intimidating. His 5'7" stature is not.

Ganksta N.I.P.: Yes. And that seems counterintuitive, but here's why: N.I.P. is likely the meanest, toughest rapper in Houston. If not, he's certainly the craziest. And there's no chance you'd ever win. But that's all part of why you should fight him. If you lose a fight to N.I.P., well shit, you lost a fight with the most insane person in the city. You were supposed to. But you'd incidentally become tougher for having even been in that fight. Whereas if you lose a fight to Slim Thug, well, you just got beat up. There's a big difference. Speaking of...

Slim Thug: No. Have you ever meet Slim? He's huge. Trying to fight him would be like trying to fight one of those blue people from Avatar.

Devin the Dude: No. It seems like he'd be an easy out, but you have to remember that he's a tall guy, with an even taller guy's set of arms. He's gonna have a long, long reach. He'd probably pepper you with jabs before you ever even got a shot in. Plus, he seems like the kind of guy that might pee on you if he knocked you out. Even if reasonably thought you could take him, that's not a risk that should ever be taken. You don't want to live the rest of your life known as The Guy That Devin The Dude Peed On At Harlem Knights.

Paul Wall: No. You're talking about a white kid that grew up trying to convince people that he was a rapper. There's no telling how many fights he got into. He's probably got hands like Roy Jones Jr.

Chamillionaire: Yes. He refers to himself as a lizard. That's adorable. And he has a Grammy. You can't not try and beat up someone with a Grammy. You should fight Beyonce too if you see her too. She has 16 of those fucks. #BeyonceIsSoPaid

Michael "5000" Watts: Tough one. Let's go with yes. And let's go with the Alligator Attack strategy too.

OG Ron C: No. Why? Because he got tasered in the neck and didn't die. You think a punch is gonna do anything?

K-Rino: Yes. He looks like he'd be cobra-quick. And he has really big hands, which means he has really big fists. But he's an intellect at heart. In a debate, you wouldn't stand a chance. In a fight, maybe you wouldn't be completely outgunned.

Yung Redd: Yes. Mostly based on the flawed logic that since we see him in a lot of pictures where he's hunched over with his hands on his thighs (like on the covers of Eviction Notice and Eviction Notice 3) he might be susceptible to upper cuts.

Big Pokey: No. He's a little too bear-like to provoke. And he calls himself the "Croc Bull." We don't know what exactly a Croc Bull is, but it doesn't sound like anything you'd want to pickle.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Shea Serrano