Lists

The Ultimate Houston Rap Battle Royal: Who Should You Fight?

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The G.R.I.T. Boys: No. They've been together forever, and all seem pretty down for each other, so there's no way you'd be able to fight one without the other two jumping in. Three on one never worked out well for anybody that wasn't starring in a porno. If you could somehow separate them, though...

Poppy: Yes.

Scooby: Yes. But know going in that he's a scrapper. He might be the most intimidating guy under 150 pounds in the city.

Niq: No. He has crazy-man eyes.

Mike Jones: No. Somebody has to give that guy a break, right? But if you did, it'd probably go in your favor.

Archie Lee and Coota Bang: Yes. But they're a package deal, so you're going to end up fighting both of them at once.

Madd Hatta: Yes. Why? Did you hear his 1995 album All About Me? He sounded like Da Brat on it. Nobody who's ever been described as having "sounded like Da Brat" has ever beaten anybody up.

J-Mac: No. That dude is jacked.

GT Mayne: Yes. He looks like a tiny Rick Ross. Normal-sized Rick Ross you don't fight. Tiny Rick Ross, you do.

Jay'Ton from ABN: No. Not a chance. He just got out of prison, like, four hours ago. Plus, we once watched a video of him beat up a guy at a hotel that was running his mouth. His hands are like bricks.

Yung Quis from ABN: Yes. Because his name is three letters away from being Yung Quiche. And you should always fight guys named after custard based dishes.

Yung Chill: Yes.

J-Dawg: Fuck no. Something about that guy is scary as shit. He's got that very serious scowl about him that makes it looks like he just stuffed a body into his trunk and now he's trying to figure out where he should dump it. Never fight dudes like that.

Chuckway of SDS: No. He's thin, but he's scrappy thin, not pussy thin. Same as Scooby.

Mug of SDS: No. Because we're fairly certain we saw him on one of those Lockup prison shows on MSNBC.

Killa Kyleon: No. Because he once remade Beyonce's "Ego." You only remake a Beyonce song if you a) are a tough son of a bitch, or b) have an upcoming show at that gay bar South Beach. Kyleon was not on their events calendar.

Lil' Flip: Yes. Because he still has braids even though it's 2010. Also, because he shot that rap video for those kids that specialize in garage sales.

SPM: No. That little chubby fellow was nerve-racking.

All The Guys From The Latino Hip-Hop Scene: Yes. All of 'em. They might all be a bit crazy, but none of them are so physically imposing that you would ever be overwhelmed by one of them. Actually, you might want to sidestep Rob G. He has a tattoo on his head, and no sane person has ever walked into a tattoo parlor and been like, "Yo, let me get one on my head." You'd probably have to smash him in the face with a 2x4 or something before he stopped coming at you.

H-Kane: Yes.

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Shea Serrano