Tonight Craig's Hlist will drive all the way out the Woodlands to see Jack Johnson, one of sandal-rock's biggest superstars. He's like
the Lady the Rolling Stones of sandal-rock. He's like the McDonald's of sandal-rock. He's James Taylor for people who shop at Whole Foods. He's the Sex Pistols for people who wear sandals with socks. That makes John Mayer the Burger King of... OK, now we are just treading water.
What is sandal-rock, you ask? Ah, that's just a term that Craig's Hlist made up as shorthand for bands and artists who spout an easy-breezy Cover Girl beach life that we never understood because we can't swim. The bands you can't listen to while wearing a crusty leather jacket and crossing state lines with an underage girl.
This isn't the kind of music you listen to when you are sad, angry or just generally clinically depressed, at least not in our experience. The sad thing is that as much shit we talk, we have had run-ins with all these guys at one time or another along our musical journey.
One of our first concerts away from the parents was Dave Matthews Band in 1996. We owned some Sublime discs in high school, and Craig's Hlist once slumped in a corner at a G. Love show double-fisting whiskeys until it was over at the behest of our sandal-rocking ex-girlfriend who was having a blast.
You ever see that episode of Maury where he puts the people who were afraid of clowns in a room with clowns and they freak the fuck out and try to fight the clowns? It was like that except our brain was the clowns and we were killing it with booze. By that rationale we have been fighting clowns since 2004.
So we do have a sandal-rock past and we can point as many of our chubby Vienna sausage fingers as we want. Somewhere on our home computer lurks the Jason Mraz single "I'm Yours" but we will be goddamned if we own a G. Love album.
We picked the definitive sandal-rock playlist to get you stoked for tonight's Jack Johnson show, which G. Love & Special Sauce is opening. Which puts us getting to our seats around five minutes before Johnson goes on.
1. Jack Johnson, "Flake"
This song was stuck in CHL's head for three months while we lived in San Diego.
2. John Mayer, "Your Body Is A Wonderland"
The first two words of this song are easily exchanged with the last name of the writer of this blog. In case you didn't know.
3. Dave Matthews Band, "Crash Into Me"
Since this song came out in 1996, that means the world (or at least Dave Nation) is probably full of early pubescent kids running around due to this song's recording.
4. Incubus, "Wish You Were Here"
We're pretty sure that Incubus is our generation's Little River Band, but with turntables.
5. Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours"
This song would matter more to us if it Mraz didn't sing it. His scat singing ruins a pretty sweet quasi-Hawaiian jam. You can see him wearing a fedora singing this in the studio and that chills our bones.
6. Jimmy Buffett, "Margaritaville"
Half of Papa Buffett's work is out-of-the-park awesome. He opened for the Eagles most of the '70s, which to us isn't such a bad thing. Then it's treacle like this that gets played out so much that it's like a rusty penny in your pocket. Why can't "Why Don't We Get Drunk (and Screw)" be this popular?
7. Ben Harper, "Steal My Kisses"
Fucking beatboxes, how do they work? We were about to talk some shit about how Rahzel, formerly of the Roots, was the only who should be allowed to ever beatbox and lo and behold it's the man himself on the track. Play ball!
8. Sublime, "What I Got"
We can't really talk down on Sublime, because if it wasn't for them a lot of suburban kids may have never known about the Minutemen, who they were heavily-influenced by, or early Bad Religion for that matter. But they also probably paved the way for Sugar Ray...
9. Bob Marley, "Sun Is Shining"
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Every one we presume has a Marley phase, and ours only lasted for a week in 1999 after we yanked someone's burned copy of Legend from them at a, wait for it, beach house party. Makes perfect sense.
10. Matt Costa, "Mr. Pitiful"
Costa is a part of the new guard of sandal-rock, and you have more than likely heard this song on trailers for emo movies or in the stray Levitra commercial. He plays at the Bronze Peacock at the House Of Blues the same night as Social Distortion and Lucero. The ground will run clear with the tears of brahs and bros.