You would have been blind not to notice the proliferation of body glitter at this year's FPSF. This was no ordinary glitter: industrial strength, professional grade, made to last through two evacuations and then some. It was the must-have summer accessory of the Snapchat generation. Though the sparkles would be a phenomenon in and of itself, do you know what was weirder? All the dudes who decided that glitter would be the hill they wanted to die on. I encountered many a man giving body glitter the side-eye; one colorfully scoffed, "Who sent out the memo that every teenage girl here needed to look like a unicorn threw up on her tits?" Please. I'm sorry you're out here all alone with your Motörhead T-shirt and your feelings, but don't project that onto young women who are bringing themselves joy. Policing how girls look via snide commentary is a thinly veiled form of misogyny. Shine on, ladies — you keep wearing whatever you damn well please. KATIE SULLIVAN
The Continuing Adventures of Screaming Jesus Guy
Why is there always some guy screaming about Jesus at the entry gate of every fun event? Is there somewhere in the Bible that says Jesus despises all fun musical gatherings? Perhaps when we die, there’ll be another Screaming Jesus Guy at the Pearly Gates so we will know we’ve arrived at the right place. Screaming Jesus Guy handed me a pamphlet on how God’s love is free. When I told SJG I already understood God, he insisted I didn’t because I was attending FPSF. Seems like SJG should have been screaming about an ark, but what do I know? I’m going to FPSF hell with all the other heathens. KRISTY LOYE
OVERHEARD AT THE FESTIVAL
Teenager 1 at CVS: What about mouthwash?
Teenager 2 at CVS: That's stupid.
Me at CVS: That's really stupid.
** "I drank a whole cup of straight liquor!"
** "That's near screw tempo, y'all...you need a little chop chop!"
** "I'm not saying you shouldn't drink, but if you do, you'll make dick of yourself."
** “I guess we’re just supposed to…leave?”
Fan 1: “This is bullshit.”
Fan 2: “No it’s not. It’s tradition.”
** “If you don’t want bros staring at your nips, then wear a bra.”
** “Meteorologist(s) don’t know anything. It’s sunny outside.”
** “I’m sure most of it is mud, but I’m sure there’s some dog shit too.”
** “I really like jerseys."
** “It really is like the apocalypse.”
** “Everyone is gonna be so pissed at Free Press [Houston] for this.”
** “What is that? I think it’s a wall of water coming through.”
** “Fuck it. Let’s go. My shoes are ruined anyway.”
** “Why can’t people just make indoor festivals? Is that so hard? Old people do it every year at the Rodeo.”"
** "Hey...that's not Trill Sammy!"
"Who is Trill Sammy anyway?"
** "Dude, I need to take a leak like a fucking waterfall!"
** "Oh no! I lost $50!"
** "Fuck Lil Uzi!"