Theme Songs for the Most Annoying Characters In the Star Wars Universe, Including Whiny Emo Bitch Anakin Skywalker

Jar Jar Binks, Pratfalling Mongoloid

Looking like some kind of unholy cross-breed between a frog and a duck, Jar Jar was the earliest indication that The Phantom Menace was not going to be up to snuff. The Gungan's antics were undoubtedly supposed to be whimsical and charming, but simply came off as a crude, slightly racist caricature of the mentally disabled. From fart jokes to stepping in shit, no other character showed how out of touch George Lucas had become in his off-time than Jar Jar.

Theme Song: El Chombo, "Chacarron Macarron"

Salacious Crumb, Chittering Dickhole

You know that little vulture-muppet that sits on what passes for Jabba the Hutt's shoulder, squawks obnoxiously, and chews out C3PO's eye? That thing has a name, Salacious Crumb, which sadly will not be the most infantile name on this list. Every second of screentime featuring this infuriating shitrag grates on our nerves like fingernails across a blackboard made out of dying bats.

Frankly, R2D2 didn't go far enough when he shocked the little creep. At least Salacious most likely burned up horribly when Luke blew up Jabba's skiff, although we'd have liked to have seen it to be sure.

Theme Song: Butthole Surfers, "The Annoying Song"

Logray, Ewok Hoodoo Shaman (appears at 0:26)

Although most of the Ewoks were equally cringe-inducing due to their mere presence, the one we've chosen to single out is Logray, the "medicine man" member of the tribe. Perhaps it's our natural distrust of dubiously appointed religious authority, or maybe it's the way he spearheaded the attempted cooking and eating of the film's main heroes. Either way, don't let his cuddly appearance fool you; he is a vicious, primitive little savage.

Theme Song: Dave Seville, "The Witch Doctor"

Nute Gunray, Oriental Squid

Yes, we realize the term "oriental" is no longer considered politically correct, and that is why we use it. Every hardcore Star Wars fan knows that George Lucas took major inspiration from Akira Kurosawa's films, particularly The Hidden Fortress. In The Phantom Menace, Lucas chose to salute the Japanese director by including a race of aliens called Neimoidians, who speak with a grossly cartoonish and demeaning Asian accent.

We know better than to accuse Lucas of maliciousness; we honestly believe the man simply didn't realize he was creating an entire race of characters with all the class and dignity of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Theme Song: The Vapors, "Turning Japanese"

The Max Rebo Band, Jazz-Jizz for Aliens with Low Standards

We remember George Lucas once commenting, in a making-of documentary, how everyone thought it would be hilarious to have a musical number suddenly pop up in a Star Wars movie, and we can only assume that by "hilarious" he meant "mortifying."

Not only are the Max Rebo Band terrible (they play vaguely bluesy bar-rock that makes Bob Seger sound like Howlin' Wolf), but they have some of the worst names in all the Star Wars universe. Sy Snootles? Rappertunie? Joh Yowza? Droopy fucking McCool? According to the Star Wars Encyclopedia, the band are classified as "jizz-wailers." We agree.

Theme Song: Steven Seagal, "Jealousy"

Anakin Skywalker, Emo Crybaby

Darth Vader was our favorite character from the original trilogy, an imposing villain with a moving story arc. When we heard the entire prequel trilogy was going to be about him, we were ecstatic. We were finally going to get to see what would undoubtedly be a complex, morally ambiguous spiral into tragedy so affecting, a lot of people would be siding with the Sith.

Then the prequels came out, and we learned that Anakin was simply a whiny bitch who liked to flip out and throw things when he didn't get his way. His woe-is-me pity parties are numerous and embarrassing, and turn what was supposed to at least start out as a sympathetic character into a universally loathed object of scorn. We couldn't wait for Obi Wan to set him on fire.

Theme Song: Simple Plan, "Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me?)"

Ziro the Hutt, Flamboyant Space Slug

Ziro the Hutt turned up early in the animated movie The Clone Wars, and we couldn't have changed the channel faster if a death sticks-crazed, blaster-toting Boba Fett had demanded we do so. Ostensibly a poor attempt to imitate Truman Capote, this lisping lump of mucus comes across more as Gay Cartman. Ziro the Hutt is best defeated by liberal application of salt, or by hiring screenwriters with a greater than 8th grade education.

Theme Song: Erasure, "Oh L'Amour"

Star Wars In Concert comes to Toyota Center, 1510 Polk, 6 p.m. Sunday, October 25. Memorabilia exhibit opens at 4:30 p.m. For tickets call 866-446-8849 or see

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John Seaborn Gray