There's nothing quite as soul-crushing as a disappointing concert. We've all been there; shit rolls downhill the minute the dude behind you dumps his beer on your girl's shoes, or the security bro doesn't find your umpteenth "Freebird" request to be quite as funny as you did. It'll ruin the night with one swift flick of the handcuffs.
I'm not talking about those times, though; it's your own fault if your Chihuahua bark bites off more than you can chew. I'm talking about the kind of soul-crushing that happens when you're all jacked for the concert, making your descent down I-45 hell, and you're met with an utterly mundane concert.
It's the same set list as last year, the same theatrics and the same crappy covers. Foghat sure can be disappointing, can't they?
Well, being the friendly neighborhood blogger that I am, I'm here to keep you out of such disappointing concert predicaments. Below are ten of the most predictable concerts I've seen; from the set list to the anticlimactic theatrics, these concerts were completely textbook from one venue to the next.
Perhaps it'll save you some heartache (and a ton of cash, if you're one of the fools who keep StubHub in business) if you're lucky. However, if you're dead-set on buying those damn Nickelback tickets you've been eyeing on Craigslist, you're on your own.
10. Snoop Dogg Snoop Dogg (or Lion, I'm not really sure at this point) is one of my favorite rappers of all time, but he's unfortunately also a repeat offender. He opens and closes with the same songs from venue to venue, and has been doing so since around 2010.
His set list is the same, too, so if you've seen one Snoop concert, you've more than likely seen them all. Maybe now that he's switched up his name and found a higher calling, he'll switch up the songs that he plays live. I wouldn't bank on it, though...I know how lazy all you resident stoners can be.
9. Marilyn Manson I worshiped at the alter of Mr. Manson's music in high school, so it pains me to write this (and yes, I had JNCO's...it was the '90s). I have no choice in the matter, though; he's been following the same formula both onstage and off for as long as I can remember. There's nothing shocking about it anymore; he takes the stage, opens with "Hey Cruel World" and even he seems bored with it.
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His set is always short, the theatrics always include a white fur coat and references to the Pope (wtf is he going to do now that we don't have one?!), and you know at some point he'll throw something at the audience. That's what you'll get for your 15 songs; nothing more, nothing less.
Oh, and he'll never play an encore. That might be too unpredictable for the shock-rocker to commit to.
8. Kid Rock After adopting a persona that is the epitome of a Southern-rock blue-collar musician, Kid Rock has chosen not to touch the trailer-park rap of his olden days in a very, very long time. He's sold out, playing the stereotypical party anthem, and it doesn't look like he's going back anytime soon (at least in concert, anyway). He's been playing the SAME anthem-heavy set list since 2009.
If you happen to venture out to a Kid Rock show, you're guaranteed a couple of things: He'll always play "Celebrate," "Only God Knows Why" and a cover from John Eddie and John Denver. Sounds like a blast.
7. Madonna I know I'm going to get totally shanked for this one, but I promise it's legit. She's got a bad habit of opening three hours late, and her set list rotates the same 21 lame-ass songs. She rarely touches on the old hits, and plays most of her setlist from her new(ish) album, MDNA.
If you're going to go see Madonna to hear "Borderline," try again. She's going to underwhelm you with "Celebrate" and maybe (if you're lucky) about 60 seconds of "Papa Don't Preach," as well as a whole lot of political ranting. No luck on an interesting encore, either. She flat out doesn't do 'em.
6. Rascal Flatts They're up there with some of the worst offenders on the "predictable" list; not only do they continually schlep their new album in the worst way throughout the concert, but they recycle the same damn set list, day in and day out.
Oh, and they cover a bunch of crap to make sure you don't catch onto the fact that they only have a couple of hits, one of which is from a Disney movie about talking cars.
If you happen to grab tickets to this, be aware that you should probably really like Journey, Bill Withers and Grand Funk Railroad, since the concert will consist of a lot of their songs.
5. Nickelback Not only do their songs all sound just like the previous one, but they tend to play their concerts with the same set list the entire tour. It's mind-blowing to me how they aren't bored to tears with their own shitty music; I'd be throwing in a cover of ANYBODY at that point to mix it up a bit. Like, literally, anybody. But nope; they're dead set on singing about what the hell is on Joey's head.
Oh, and in case you aren't on Nickelback overload at the close of the show, they'll do you the honor of playing the same encore they played the night before in Pensacola, too. Figured you out, Nickelback... I sure did.
On the upside, they have exploding amps as part of their show. Sorry to disappoint, guys...but they're not powerful enough to incinerate the entire band.
4. Lady Gaga Any show that incorporates as much stuff onstage as Gaga's does is bound to be slightly repetitive from one town to the next, just based on sheer logistics. However, Gaga's concerts are bordering on insanity, with the theatrics overwhelming the same bland music set.
Her three-story medieval castle is cooler than any playhouse I've ever had, and I dig that she's trying to impress her "little monsters," but she puts on what could be considered the most predictable show known to man. The same unicorns, the same floating head screaming about Gaga being an alien, and the same old Gaga giving birth to herself in a very anatomically accurate way. Yawn. Who hasn't done that?
3. Rihanna I suppose I've never really bought Rihanna's attempts to be edgy, from the leathered-up dominatrix personality to the "thug life" Instagram bullshit, and her concerts couldn't be more streamlined in terms of what to expect. She plays all of the radio hits -- "Umbrella," "Only Girl" and "Don't Stop the Music" -- and that's about all you get. She's commercially savvy, though, and her fans seem to be satisfied with the same 20 songs from tour to tour.
At least she added on "Birthday Cake" for the 2012 tour. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake...and it ain't even my birthday.
2. Ke$ha I'm surprised! (Said nobody, ever.) Ke$ha's one of the most calculated performers in concert; she opens with "Sleazy," closes her main set with "Tik Tok" and then closes the show with a Beastie Boys cover (the worst part of the entire thing, if you ask me; please stop covering other people's songs in skank-glitter).
The best part? She only plays about 15 songs, so you won't be there for long. You got all those feathers in your hair for nothing.
1. Mötley Crüe Man, these fools may be the worst in terms of concert predictability. Not only can you bank on Vince Neil's voice being lackluster, but you can also guarantee you'll be hearing the same canned version of a "live" concert that has been played since 1999. Nineteen freaking 99.
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I dare you to tell me you like "Girls, Girls, Girls" and "Dr Feelgood" THAT much. It's not possible.