Tonk Blokes And the Mean Streets Of Da R.O.

10. Mike Jones is a "'rapper' for people with A.D.D."

9. Hamilton, Ontario, Hickory, North Carolina and the London district of Hackney are all trying to lay claim to the nickname "H-Town."

8. ZZ Top is to be ranked "somewhere between Stevie Ray Vaughan and Pantera, but below Willie Nelson." On the other hand, "Bowling for Soup and Jessica Simpson can lick ZZ Top's bearded nuts."

"ZZ Top" is also British biker slang for any extraordinary patch of pubic hair. In this sense, it can be used thus: "...when she took her knickers off her ZZ top reached her knees."

7. "Montrose" can be used as an unflattering adjective, as in "That skanky biatch is soooo Montrose." (This usage is probably common in barren cultural wastelands such as The Woodlands, Lake Jackson and Katy.)

6. Dude, SPM is like the Mexican ­Afroman.

5. The SPC refers not to Houston's famous South Park Coalition, but to the Six Pack Crew. These ruffians claim to be "the most hardcore crew in Surrey, perhaps even southern England. Do not mess with the SPC because they are fucking tonk and will not hesitate to pay a little visit to your house at night with petrol and crowbars if u piss them off."

We're betting Houston's SPC would show up to that fight a little better armed than that. Even the tonkest hoodlum in Surrey would have a hard time dealing with the sort of violent affray he could find on the corner of M.L.K. and Bellfort.

4. On the south Atlantic Coast, from Georgia to North Carolina and especially in and around Charleston, South Carolina, Nike Air Force Ones are known as "Willie D's," in honor of the Geto Boy who helped make them famous.

3. Houston's own "Kenny Rogers" is now an adjective. It refers to "that gamblin' feeling when you think you're gonna fart but you may indeed shart instead," and it can be used like this: "I had a Kenny Rogers going and lost, resulting in a Juice Newton."

2. River Oaks people think they are gangsta. It is not only defined as "the richest, most prestigious" district in town, but also as a "tight-ass 'hood." Also, apparently River Oaks denizens reprazent by saying they are from "the muthafuckin' R.O."

1. Rice University is "the best collegue [sic]" in the world.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
John Nova Lomax
Contact: John Nova Lomax