Top 5 Reasons Bon Iver Is the Clown Prince of Hipster Doofuses

Who is Bon Iver? The name originally referred to a band, I guess in the same way Nine Inch Nails referred to a "band," but since hitting it big, it's mostly just a nickname for frontman and songwriter Justin Vernon, who, depending on who you ask, may either be Jesus or the antichrist.

Consulting my handy pocket-Book of Revelation (also featuring a novelization of The Prophecy starring Christopher Walken), it did say that the second coming of Christ would be preceded by a false messiah, the anti-Christ himself pulling one over on the world. Personally, I haven't seen a false folk Jesus get disproved yet, so Vernon just might be the bearded soft-rock/indie-folk Satan.

Personally, I don't believe Vernon is either. I think Vernon, Bon Iver -- or Bonny Bear, Ron River, however you want to refer to him -- is just, in the words of Mr. T, a fool.

He epitomizes all the worst aspects of hipsterdom, and makes anyone whose goal in life isn't to live in an isolated cabin in the woods wearing plaid shirts and playing a banjo retch. Why do I think this about him? One only need browse the headlines about him since he became famous by winning the Best New Artist Grammy this year.

5. He's a hypocrite

The indie lifestyle is all about that cabin in the woods. It's DIY. It's reconnecting with the Earth and being a modern hippie and riding a fixed-gear around the city streets just to spurn man's over-reliance on cars. It's eating food from a co-op and playing guitar for pennies on the street corner, not for people's acceptance and love, not for money, not for fame, and especially not for Grammy Awards.

Oh wait, until you get nominated for one. Yeah, never mind, the Grammy Awards are only bad when they're honoring people you don't like. When they're honoring you yourself, they're totally mega-awesome. At least, that's the way Bon Iver felt about it, changing his tune in a matter of days from saying "we should not be gathering in a big room and looking at each other and pretending this is important," to a tweet saying "whats the difference between song and record?! ahhH! super weird butterflies! thank's y'all." Then he licensed out his image and songs for Grammy promos, which he later denounced because he's not in the business of selling his music, although you can totally buy his albums at Target.

But then, when asked to do a collaboration with another artist (a time-honored tradition at the Grammy Awards), Bon Iver said "fuck you" to the Grammys. Oh so punk.

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Corey Deiterman