Ted Cruz enjoys a cup of "victory juice."
Ted Cruz enjoys a cup of "victory juice."

Top Five Choices for Ted Cruz's 2016 Campaign Song

Whatever you may think of Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz (we plead the 5th), Monday morning he announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination. Immediately, Twitter went ape shit. Some think the sky may be falling. Others just think it's politics as usual and he's just another cog in the status quo.

But Republican or Democrat, independent or doomsday prepper, whatever you may think and however you may feel about the announcement as a whole, here are five songs that could or should be the new Cruz 2016 theme song.

"LET LOVE RULE," Lenny Kravitz Let's face it. A campaign -- like most things in government -- is all smoke and mirrors. It's putting your best foot forward, saying things you don't always mean, and sometimes even backpedaling for shit that you made up to get elected. This principle applies equally to all, not just one party or branch of government.

That being said, you gotta come out swinging and, also, make sure to kiss all the babies. Candidates try to make everyone believe they're running because of God and Country and Love of Country, etc. This one would make the perfect bullshit song for any presidential candidacy. I can see the signs now: "Give 'Em Hell, Ted. Let Love Rule. Cruz 2016."

"AMERICAN BAD ASS," Kid Rock While we might not be the sharpest knives in the drawer, we're still aware that Ted Cruz was born in, of all places, Canada, so we assume Kid Rock's "American Badass" includes North and South America. Sen. Cruz might be the most unabashedly ballsy candidate we've ever seen, and might be the closest thing we've had as a real-life version of Idiocracy's President Camacho: loud, outspoken, "caring," etc.  

"SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN," Poison Sure, this song is lyrically all over the map. It talks about deceitful televangelists, 'Nam and Bret Michaels's best friend and bodyguard dying alone in a hotel room in Palm Springs. According to songfacts.com, there's a 28-minute version of this song, and we're willing to bet that Bret is ready and willing to go on tour with Ted should he receive a call. Let's make this happen, America.

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"WILD FOR THE NIGHT," A$AP Rocky feat. Skrillex & Birdy Nam Nam Look. Ted is probably gonna have a tough time with the youth vote, and nothing speaks to them more than the lyrics "We fuck bitches, get paper." Wait until Cruz makes an entrance to this song; you think Palin went rogue.

Nothing resonates with the young 'uns more than the drop-the-beat WUBWUB dubstep madness of EDM phenom Skrillex mixed with A$AP Rocky's raw urban realities. It's really too bad, because Ted will probably just play it safe and pick either DJ Snake/Lil Jon's stunner "Turn Down for What" or Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Don't fuck this one up, Cruz.  

"I WON'T BACK DOWN," Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers As Ted proved with the government shutdown of 2013, come hell or high water, he's a rough-and-tumble dude -- and definitely not to be messed with. If we knew any better, we'd be willing to bet a lunch at Truluck's that Mr. Cruz has the lyrics to "Won't Back Down" tattooed somewhere on his body. (Back? Inner thighs?) I mean...just look at the lyrics:

Well, I won't back down No, I won't back down You could stand me up at the gates of hell But I won't back down

I mean, c'mon. These lyrics are practically this dude's M.O. But good luck talkin' Tom into letting you use the song, Ted, as Bush used the song for certain campaign events in 2000, and Petty sent the would-be president a cease-and-desist letter. Of course, the man that you are, we know you...WON'T BACK DOWN.

Like what you read? Or are we missing something? We'd love for you to join our team.


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