So apparently actor Jonah Falcon is packin' heat in his pants. No, we're not talking about the kind of heat that the NRA and Ted Nugent endorse -- this is not that kind of blog. We mean packing heat in more of a "huge cock" kind of way.
Unfortunately for Falcon, his 13.5 inches of man-meat can be mistaken for the kind of heat you don't want to be packing in the security line at the airport. In July 2012, he was awkwardly frisked TSA-style when airport security mistakenly believed the penis wrapped around his thigh was a different kind of weapon. Whoops.
It wouldn't be the first time Falcon has had awkward run-ins courtesy of his bottle-rocket, though. As the guy known for (unofficially) having the world's largest penis -- the Guinness Book of World Records doesn't tally package sizes, apparently -- the gentleman has spent nearly his entire life contending with his unruly Mini-Me.
Those unfortunate "Is your phallus a gun" inquiries haven't all been in vain, though. Falcon has managed to find fame in his penile situation, thanks in part to the notoriety that comes hand in hand with having a massive dick, but it's not fame in the way one might imagine.
He's defied the obvious, skirting the porn-industry route, and has instead made a name for himself by appearing in the 1999 HBO documentary, Private Dicks: Men Exposed, during which he shocked even the producers with his 13.5 inches of well-hung anatomy. He's also become quite the regular on the talk show circuit, earning him admiration by Howard Stern for his trouser-snake situation.
It's not that the porn industry hasn't come a-callin'. Falcon has fielded offers over the years but resisted, saying it's "not [his] thing," and professing a fear of not landing a legitimate acting role post-porn. He's also afraid of performing on camera; sex on a crowded movie set doesn't appeal to this well-endowed dude.
He's instead taken acting gigs as they come (stop giggling), but he's been passed over for the more obvious roles, including the one he auditioned for on the HBO series Hung, the show about a dude with a freakishly-sized phallus. There's been nothing of substance that's come up -- other than his huge meat thermometer -- of course, so he's struggled with the whole career thing.
Until now, that is. The man who is above doing porn with his giant love-muscle is apparently not above singing about it in a bid for publicity. Hopefully it's not also a bid for a legitimate music career, 'cause I can't with that.
Nevertheless, last week Falcon released a music video he's released for his cock-pop song "It's Too Big," on which he collaborated with New York club-dance musician Adam Barta.
The song, which you can see in the above video, isn't, dare I say, terrible. It's not life-altering or incredibly insightful or something, either. It's just a kitschy pop song about a dude and his giant wang. Nothing more, nothing less. And I suppose if you're not going to use your extra-large member to slay the porn industry, you might as well use it to slay YouTubers' ears, right?
Anyhow, Jonah and his giant peach got me thinking. Although I find it strange that he's not cashing in on his sword by making porn videos, plenty of porn stars have tried to go mainstream by making crummy music just like Falcon has.
And here those porn stars are in a list. Presenting the Top 5 Porn-Star Music Videos. You're welcome.
5. Heather Hunter Former adult-film actress Heather Hunter entered the business in the late '80s and appeared in movies like Honeywood for porn-industry giant Vivid. She also released mainstream music videos, first focusing on house music during the early '90s and later moving on to work with Kool Keith and Bubba Sparxxx.
4. Lolo Ferrari Billed as the woman with the "largest breasts in the world," Lolo Ferrari was a jill-of-all-trades before her suspicious death in 2000. She had huge boobs and was a French dancer, sex star and pornographic actress. Oh, and she put out a bunch of pop-music singles, including, "Airbag Generation" and "Set Me Free," which earned her a cult-like following.
3. Barrett Blade Barrett has been in the porn industry since 1998, introduced to the business by then-girlfriend and (of course) porn star Devon, who did scenes with him. Before he was ever slangin' his stick in the adult film biz, though, he was the bassist and songwriter for a little band called Dial 7.
Dial 7 was legit, with a sort of mellow-rock vibe, and landed a deal with Warner Bros., which released two of the band's albums. Blade's not hurting in his post-music career, either. The guy has racked up a zillion AVN nominations, and his career in the industry is still going strong.
2. Traci Lords One of the most notorious porn stars of all time, Traci Lords had appeared in more than 100 adult films by the time she turned 18. She appeared in exactly one film after that, 1986's Traci, I Love You.
Lords has since made a massive mainstream name for herself, appearing in a ton of movies throughout her post-porn career. She has also released a ton of music, working with the likes of Paul Oakenfold, Brian Lucas and a number of other recognizable dudes. She also had some music on the Mortal Kombat soundtrack, which is too awesome. Kitana was badass.
1. Andrea True As a hardcore porn actress during the disco era, True began her career in Scandinavia in the 1960s, only to transition over to the American market by the end of the decade, where she quickly became one of the most recognizable names on the New York adult-film scene. At the height of her porn career, True was asked to appear in Jamaican real-estate commercials.
During her stay on the island, political unrest led to an attempted coup, in which she was unable to leave Jamaica with any money. In order to protect the money she had earned from her commercial appearance, she asked friend and record producer Gregg Diamond to travel to Jamaica, where she recorded a disco track financed by her commercial earnings.
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That single, "More More More," hit the No. 4 spot on the U.S. charts, and also charted in the United Kingdom, Germany and Italy.
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