"Chad Kroeger rides a pony in his house when no one's home/ It's a fact! I hid cameras in his house."
And thus begins the video for Tubby Chubcakes's "Destroy Nickelback With Laserbeams."
When you first see the video, you really begin to question whether the Internet is a good thing. Certainly, we here at Rocks Off can get behind the incineration of Nickelback by Megaman beams, but must Batman play the drums while the theme song for this holy act echoes across the tundra? And what sinister purpose do the giant safety scissors serve?
Against all better judgement, we we sat down with Tubby Chubcakes to ask him about the video and his own bad self.
Rocks Off: Hi Tubby! Thanks for sitting down with us...
Tubby Chubcakes: Greetings from Space! Tubbychubcakes has come from the future to save the human race!
RO: Oh, you made a little rhyme? Will the whole interview rhyme?
RO: Pity. Please continue.
TC: Yes, I have seen the future, and a terrible doom will come upon the galaxy! The cause? Nickelback! In the years to come, Chad Kroeger will become the President of the United States. He will outlaw football and force us to hold hands and sing Nickelback songs around campfires every Sunday morning.
All beautiful women around the globe will be imprisoned in his basement and fed raisins. Nickelback will become immortal and implant a nanovirus on their 117th album that will turn unborn fetuses into vegetables. Pregnant women will give birth to wads of lettuce! It must be stopped! I have been sent back through time to defeat Chad Kroeger. But Tubby has come to save the planet!
Tubby will raise millions of dollars to buy Nickelback's creative rights from their record label and permanently shelve all of their past and future music so that they can never perform or broadcast their diabolical songs of doom again. And then, he vows to shave Lady Gaga and Chad Kroeger's wife's heads on national television! Only then will the universe be saved!
RO: That's... nice. Really, we're very excited for you. Um... When did you first become aware that Nickelback needed lasering?
TC: Nickelback started out good, but when they released the song "Animals," I knew that they had been infected by tHE ZERG and must be destroyed!
RO: What's tHE ZERG? Never mind. We don't want to know. Why does the song contain so many references to poop?
TC: Poop is the dirtiest, smelliest substance in the universe, the only worthy comparison to Chad Kroeger's atrocious lyrics!
RO: You may not be totally crazy after all, but let's get down to the logistics on your proposal. Are we talking industrial lasers, or more like heat rays?
TC: I was thinking we could use Cyclops from X-Men. He has a big juicy laser blast.
RO: Phenomenal idea, but there are parts of your song we take issue with. Specifically, your many calls to pull down Chad Kroeger's pants. Aren't you worried what it would look like if you pulled down Chad Kroeger's pants? What would the neighbors say?
TC: I'm not afraid of neighbors. I'm more afraid that Chad Kroeger's bum might have eyes!
RO: We were right the first time. You're a loony. Did you film in a stunt bedroom so Nickelback wouldn't be able to track you down, or is that one of your rooms?
TC: That was my bedroom, but I have relocated twice since. Can't let ol' Chaddypants get the drop on Tubby!
RO: Is the song a prophecy or a call to arms?
TC: This song is a call to arms! We must return music to its former glory and tastiness!
RO: Well spoken. Thanks for your time, Tubby.
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TC: You may be interested to know that I passed American Idol's initial auditions and will be heading to L.A. next week for round 2.
Tubbychubcakes' new album, Destroy Nickelback With Laserbeams, is now available on iTunes. Seriously.
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.