Rocks Off likes Turbo Fruits a lot. It's a loud, rock-roll-icky, semi-glam group out of Nashville that is more than capable of using sick sounds to seduce your mom and making you watch.
Frankly, that image - using various mothers - is all that runs through our head listening to the Fruits' new single, "Where the Stars Don't Shine." We think they would want it that way. They're also putting together a rock and roll cruise featuring some of the nation's top garage bands. Not as thought-provoking as the Gothic Cruise, perhaps, but it still sounds like a wild time.
The question before the court of the judge with one f, though, is why call such a dirty little rock act something so incredibly pleasant as Turbo Fruits? It sounds like a sugary lunch treat. We grabbed bandleader Jonas Stein by the lapels and screamed at him until he told us where the name came from.
"I was playing a show with my old band, Be Your Own Pet, in Scotland and I was messin' with a 'fruit-themed' slot machine," says Stein, smoothing his dubs from our grabbage.
"I slipped the coin in the slot, pulled the lever and the lights landed on 'Turbo Fruit.' The only time I ever hit the jackpot on a slot machine. I then knew I was destined to start a band called 'Turbo Fruits!'
Well... we have to admit that placating the fickle fuckhead that is fate by naming your awesome band after one of the few times all the prophecies aligned for you is probably a good idea
Very well, but the name still conjures up all kind of connotations. Dirty connotations. Stein told us that all it really means to him are the terms "super happy" and "getting lucky," but if you walk up to a stranger and start shouting, "TURBO FRUITS" at them they're going to be thinking about something other than a slot machine payout.
"What turbos up a fruit, may we ask?" we asked without waiting to be told we may.
"Dildos and anal lube," Stein replied. Frankly, we had some problems with this answer. How exactly can you combine fruit, dildos and anal lube? So we typed those things into Google Image Search. Go on. Do it. Be sure to turn the Safesearch off.
Now, as you're waiting for your boss to come down and discuss your Internet usage with you, ponder this. What if the name is a code word? We saw some guy in a tie on some news channel named after a woodland-dwelling canine species whisper in hushed tones about a gay agenda once.
Fruit used to be a code word for "gay." Is the band really an attempt to recruit homosexuals with super-speed?
"We are the Fastest Gays in the USA. Remember that!" says Stein. And we will remember it.
Fruit has a long, distinguished history, particularly in music, where it is often thrown at artists who commit the mortal sin of sucking. And remember, the whole reason Adam and Eve where thrown out of the Garden of Eden was because of fruit.
We would have held out for a bloomin' onion and maybe a slice of cheesecake, but maybe they were really hungry. We've got variety now, so fruit just doesn't cut it in the temptation department anymore. Is turbo fruit worth expulsion from paradise?
"Anything to keep my fellow Fruits happy," says Stein. "Eden is a bunch of bullshit anyways. I'm tired of Eden.
"Besides," he says with a grin, "Turbo fruit has protein. It cures the fetish."
Turbo Fruits plays Fitzgerald's tonight with Pujol, The Mahas and The Cutters.
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.
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