8:01 p.m.: MTV's VMAs are coming on. Let's write some words down about some things that happen.
8:01:30: Some tiny guy who's introduced himself as Joe Calderon is on. Not familiar with him. He's a weird looking little fell - oh shit. That's Lady Gaga. Ha. Nice one, Gaga.
8:02: She's pretending to be a guy who either has dated or is dating Gaga. Is this better than the meat dress?
8:02:15: Yep, it's better. (Nope, it's not better, says every lion ever.)
8:02:30: (Lions love meat.)
8:02:45: Remember that movie Just One of the Guys? That's exactly how she looks. Cool. She's a good-looking man. It's okay to say that, right? So confused right now.
8:04: AHAHAHAHA. They cut to Bruno Mars in the crowd and he looks exactly like Gaga looks dressed as a man. Bruno Mars is Man Gaga.
8:07: Gaga is doing a bluesy version of "You and I" and it's jammin' hardcore. Gaga is no joke, bro.
8:07:04: We mean, you know, except for all non-music stuff. But besides that, yo, she is blindingly talented. Go figure.
8:10: ...and the first hip-hop song they play tonight: "No Hands." Awesome. Or shit. Who knows anymore? Is Waka Flocka there, did they let him in?
8:13: ...and the award for Dumb Shit Outfit goes to... Nicki Minaj. What is she wearing? It looks like she just grabbed a bunch of garbage and said, "Eh, I guess I'll just stick this on my body." Awesome.
8:14: Skinny Jonah Hill is still pretty chunky.
8:16: They're doing the Best Pop Video category. Did you know that Britney Spears is still alive? Because she is.
8:16:30: What the? Britney won. She beat Adele? Oh, MTV viewers. Not cool, guys.
8:16:40: By the way, the first person Britney thanked when she won was, duh, God. He gets a lot of play at awards shows. Do you think she thought about him at all when that picture of her vagina was up all over the place? He probably thought that was funny as shit.
Resale Concert Tickets
8:23: Jay and Kanye are about to come out and do "Otis." They're supposed to be the surprise special performers, only it was announced, like, two days ago that they were going to be there. MTV is pretty terrible at surprises.
8:25: Ha. During their performance, someone (briefly) ran onstage before being whooshed away by security. Something about irony.
8:27: Best Rock Video: Foo Fighters. Cool. How old are those guys?
8:35: If you had the "Rebecca Black dressed like a dinosaur doing the Dougie" pick in the Ridiculous Things You'll Probably See On The VMAs pool, you just won. Congrats.
8:37: Oh, hey, look: Tyler, the Creator is onstage doing the Harlem Shake during a dance battle against Will Ferrell and Jack Black dressed as Future Beastie Boys.
8:45: So Nicki Minaj just won the Best Hip-Hop Video category. A little surprise there. Is she going to be famous for much longer? Seems like she'll be around for a bit.
8:46: Best Collaboration winners: Katy Perry and Kanye West. Ack. Katy Perry is the worst.
8:46:15: What the? Katy Perry and Kanye are accepting the award and she appears to be talking down to him? And he's letting that shit fly? What world is this? Where's Flips The Fuck Out Kanye at? Oh, man.
8:47: "I'm not an enormous black man" - Paul Rudd, hoping nobody notices he has no real reason to be on the VMAs.
8:49: Pitbull is doing "Give Me Everything." It's one of those obliquely house, entirely anthemic rap tracks that everyone started making after the Black Eyed Peas perfected the strand. Thanks for that, Will.i.Am.
9:00: Adele is performing. She was introduced by Katy Perry. Something isn't right about that.
9:08: Holy cow. Did you know they make an easy-to-obtain pill for women to take the morning after they have sex so they don't get pregnant? Awesome. Why do they even make condoms anymore?
9:08: Oh, right: AIDS. Okay, keep using condoms, everyone.
9:12: They're doing the Best Male Video categories. Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" is one of the nominees. Remember when that song first came out and someone made a Youtube video for it where the words came shooting in as he's was singing them? That one was way better than the official video. He should've kept that one.
9:13: Justin Bieber just won. Not sure if his video was the best, but he has on red pants, so it probably was.
9:14: Ooohh, a Chris Brown performance. These are always good.
9:16: Ninja fighting while playing Wu-Tang? Guys in flannels jumping on trampolines while Nirvana plays? Nice.
9:17: Um, you're not tricking anyone with that microphone, Mr. Brown. You're not even close to looking like you're actually singing.
9:18: Holy crap. He's flying all over the different stages right now, connected to those movie wires they use. Neat. Lots of fun. This makes up for the Busting Rihanna's Face Open thing, right? Like, we don't hate him for that anymore, right? Cool, cool.
9:25: Man Gaga is back. Crap. She's really into this role. She's giving out the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award to Britney Spears (whom, if you'll remember, is not dead). Spears comes on stage and Man Gaga stares her down. Man Gaga is getting really creepy.
One time, we were at home playing with our sons, pretending to be a gorilla and chasing them around the house. They thought it was really funny and fun for, like, maybe 40 seconds. But we stayed in character hardcore, relentless in pursuit. After a bit, they were completely terrified, crying for their mother and running like their lives were actually in danger.
Gaga's dedication to her man role is nearing Daddy Might've Actually Turned Into A Gorilla levels of scary.
9:28: They're doing a live montage of Britney songs. Cool. It ends with a bunch of Tiny Britneys on stage, dancing and gyrating and whatnot. Here's how that conversation should've gone, Parents Of The Girls Who Performed As Tiny Britneys:
MTV: Hey, do you want your daughter to be on the VMAs?
MTV: Great. But she has to dress as a tiny Britney Spears.
This shit isn't that hard, folks.
9:32: Oh snap. Beyonce is about to perform. She announced earlier that she was pregnant, which is just about the craziest thing in the world right now (in your face, bizarre East Coast disasters). That baby will, for certain, be the greatest baby the world has ever seen. It won't grow up to be more influential than Jesus, but it'll definitely come out of the gate (womb?) with more buzz.
9:33: Man, Pregnant Beyonce wears a lot of clothes during her performances.
9:34: Um, is everyone lip synching tonight?
9:34:09: ...aaannnnd quick cut to Man Gaga looking fucking insane.
9:34:20: ...aaannnnd quick cut to Katy Perry with a big yellow square on her head.
9:37: Beyonce finishes her set, then unbuttons her blazer and reveals her baby bump, smiling broadly. The camera cuts to Jay-Z in the front, smiling as genuinely as a man can, with Kanye West jumping on him and grabbing his shoulders and so on. Excellent, excellent moment.
9:37:15: By the way, does this make "New Day" an even better song? It kind of does, right?
9:41: Best New Artist award. Winner: Tyler, the Creator. Crazy. Thought Wiz had that one sewn up. Selena Gomez is one of the presenters. She gets out of the way with a quickness. He flies up there, looking like he reinjured his foot on the way. They cut to his mama in the crowd. She's crying her eyeballs out. Love that. Word to supportive moms.
9:43: ...aaannnnd cue Jared Leto in a dress and a mullet. That poor guy. Remember when he was the dreamy-eyed Jordan Catalano? Seems a long time ago.
9:54: Cloris Leachman just came out with the girls from Jersey Shore. Have you been watching that show? This next episode looks like it's going to be the one where Ronnie kicks the shit out of Mike that they've been teasing since the season started. It should be co--oh, crap. Gaga just won Best Female Video. Shit, here comes creepy Man Gaga again. This is really unnerving at this point.
9:56: During her acceptance speech, she does that whole You Were Born This Way, You're Awesome The Way You Are speech. Can't argue with the idea behind that. But can you say that a transgendered person was born that way? They weren't, right, which is kind of the issue? No matter, we suppose. Man Gaga is King.
10:01: Worst, most annoying couple of all time: Russell Brand and Katy Perry. It'd be neat if a plane landed on them.
10:07: Tony Bennett is up talking about Amy Winehouse. He plays a cool video of him and Winehouse recording together. Damn.
10:13: They've tapped Bruno Mars to pay tribute to Winehouse. He's doing "Valerie," and he's doing it like he understands why it's a meaningful performance. Well done, Mr. Mars.
10:23: Video of the Year: Katy Perry. Gross. Somebody with a block of cheese on her head just beat Adele. Says Perry: "I feel like I am doing something right when I sing that song." Says Satan: "See you soon, Katy."
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
10:25: Weezy is doing the closing. He comes wandering out in a tight T-shirt and tight animal-print pants, croaking "How To Love" for all the world. Remember "The Block Is Hot"? Sigh.
10:26: Blam-o. His band just switched into the "Iron Man" beat, with Wayne plugging in the words from "John." He is an entirely convincing gangster now. Neat. He switched personas quick. Seems an apropos conclusion. Pow, pow, the end.