The New Year's Eve gig must not have gone well at all. Twenty minutes into 2010, a La Porte man posted a Craigslist invitation to kill his drummer for the low, low bounty of $100. Applicants need not worry about the usual penalties that accompany such an act, he wrote, because "any self-respecting law-enforcement agency would gladly turn the other cheek once they heard this guy 'play.'" Unfortunately for all involved, this gentleman is unable to dispatch the drummer himself because, well, he's his brother and "mom would be so pissed off even though she thinks the band would sound better too." Among the skinbeater's more egregious offenses:
- Does not put his '70s-style fills in the proper spot - they're always half a beat ahead or behind, "depending on how much he's been drinking."
- Rips shirt off and flexes muscles during wedding gigs when band is supposed to be playing Air Supply, Carpenters and Anne Murray covers. But, hey, "Chicks dig the pecs, dude!"
- Shows up late to practice, won't load in his gear without help, needs smoke break every 15 minutes and is prone to leaving early with women who are "so fine, I can't say no, and she knows record people dude, so it's for the band!"
- Calls brother at midnight to play "some damned jazz fusion album from 1981" and asks where he can get some weed.
- Farts onstage so the drum mikes can pick it up. Actually, that's pretty funny.
- Inconsistent timekeeping: "I am tired of [him] kicking off slow ballads at well under 80 bpm only to have them morph into the methamphetamine version of 'Flight of the Bumblebee' because that's the tempo he 'feels' it at."
- Must carry jumper cables to gigs: "'Dude, I must have left the dome light on again.'"
- Won't stop asking when he'll get a drum solo. Lock and load.
- Doesn't pick up checks at restaurants: "'That chick must have stole my wallet, man, but it was worth it because she was a phreak.'"
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A hundred bucks might sound a little low, but bear in mind that should you take this man up on his offer, he can probably find more work for you: "If you are good at killing drummers, you could probably make a lot of money in this town." Can't argue with that.