Pop Life

We Are Wombat: Try Pooping In Cubes

Page 2 of 2

By the granny panties of Taylor Swift, I think someone finally inflicted enough pain on my brain to drive Garth out. You don't just walk in and say, "We are wombat." That is not a normal course of action. That's what a crazy person says before they start strangling you for "judging them with your eyes." This story makes me want to randomly start auditioning for bands, walk in and spout a nonsequitur, then just leave and wait to see if they start calling themselves that.

"Hi, here for the audition?"

"They have laid poor Jesse in his grave."

Two months later, "Poor Jesse in His Grave" debuts at Fitz's, and I, the Wandering Name-Nut, move on to inspire another.

No, there had to be more, though I couldn't conceive of what it was and I'm actively hallucinating while I write this, Mr. Tonberry. Let's look at the wombat, and what it symbolizes.

Not much, as it appears no one but Schulze and company have taken the animal as their herald. The most standout fact seems to be the big-butt thing I mentioned. A wombat's ass is like Wu-Tang Clan; Nothin' to fuck with. It's made of tough cartilage so that if, say, a Tasmanian devil tries to follow it into its den they blunt their teeth on the wombat's magnificent J-Lo hindquarters.

If that doesn't work, the wombat with back that ass up under the pursuer's head, and use it to pin their skull to the tunnel ceiling while donkey-kicking it to death.

There's beauty in the stupidest parts of nature, and I asked Schulze how we could be more wombat-like.

"Well wombats poop in cube shape," says Schulze, proving that at least he did his homework. "You could try pooping in cubes, or you could make good vibes and hip-hop. There really isn't enough, of any option, in this world."

What was the name of that song? Something about thunder, wasn't it?


We Are Wombat (n) 1. Goth, but not, but good. 2. Cube-shaped poop. 3. An unbitable ass.

We Are Wombat plays Friday June 14 at Avant Garden with The Manichean, B.E. Godfrey, and Austin Smith.

Jef With One F is a recovering rock star taking it one day at a time. You can read about his adventures in The Bible Spelled Backwards or connect with him on Facebook.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner