Last week when we gave Kesha a bloggardly shellacking, we compared her and other female pop stars of her ilk to burritos. You may remember we said she was a gas-station burrito and Miley Cyrus was a Big Mac wrap. It was either a stroke of genius or the starved ramblings of a music writer subsisting on bananas and coffee.
Which got us to thinking that if other musical artists were foods, what would they be? Blame the fact that we now share a cubicle with the new food editor, but it has been in our brain lately, even if it's just Popeye's Chicken and the random bag of vinegar chips that shows up in the newsroom.
Believe us, it's hard to equate food with music without feeling like a total fat-ass. Especially listening to the following ten performers.
Prince = Raspberry Sherbet
All we think of when we think of the Purple One is raspberry sherbet. Light, airy, prone to quickly melting, a favorite of people who don't have the balls to eat real ice cream. It comes in that clear plastic tub. It looks like something in the back of your grandmothers freezer.
Bruce Springsteen = McDonald's Quarter Pounder Combo
The Boss reminds us of McDonald's, living off the backs of the workers but tasting really great. Bruce Springsteen is for the people, singing about real-life problems. Don't you hate it when you are a state trooper and your brother is a hood? Bruce is a Double Quarter Pounder, super-size fries and a large Coke, eaten while watching the World Series.
ZZ Top = Barbecue Plate With All The Fixins
Frank, Billy, and Dusty are a hulking plate of barbecue with two sides from a smoky roadside joint on Highway 71. Sure, let's say in La Grange for added effect. A heap of potato salad with another pile of cole slaw thrown down. Screw that sauce on the side bullshit; pour a cup over your sausage and brisket. Get extra bread to soak it all up. Put a big plug of Copenhagen in your mouth for dessert.
Motorhead = Cocoa Puffs
We really like Motorhead, but the only thing we can say here is Cocoa Puffs. We get it, yes Lemmy has a huge mole on his face that looks like cereal. We knew that before Beavis & Butthead told us this in 1993.
Katy Perry = Cotton Candy
Blame that new video for "California Gurls," but now when we see Katy Perry all we think of, besides what she looks like naked, is cotton candy. In the video for "Gurls" she was laying naked on a cloud of the sugary stuff, so there you go. Now that we mentioned "Katy Perry" and "naked", let's sit back and wait for the Google hits to roll in.
Bjork = Glass Of Ice Water
What's that, Bjork? You say that you taste like the stars around Jupiter on fire in an oven of kindness, glitter, and hope? Nope. You are a glass of ice water. How's that? Without even a slice of lemon and no ice either. A lukewarm, sweaty glass of water on the table at an IHOP.
Eminem = Hot Cheetos
Eminem is a bag of hot Cheetos, nothing more nothing less. We could eat a whole case of these until we can't talk or breathe and we piss orange for two days. That's not even really even a slight against Eminem or probably related to him. We just really like hot Cheetos.
Vampire Weekend = Anything From Wendy's
We never liked Wendy's. Nothing against the late great Dave Thomas or a Frosty and a cup of fries, but we never got it. Sure there was the random incident with a Baconator in Austin after Sixth Street, but we never really understood Wendy's. All their food never seemed warm enough and all the yellow throws us off. It's for white people. Just like Vampire Weekend is.
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The Black Eyed Peas = Fake Birthday Cake Frosting
The Black Eyed Peas taste like that awful fake icing that you get on birthday cakes when you forget to tell them you want real frosting. It tastes like someone melted down plastic and poured it onto a perfectly good bare cake. You can brush your teeth and drink gasoline and nothing will get that taste out your mouth and mind. Like when Fergie pissed herself. She could pose in Playboy and cure AIDS and all we would see was a piss stain.
Beyonce = Peanut Butter & Jelly
Beyonce is smooth like peanut butter and she's sweet like grape jelly. Not jam. Only convicts and jerks eat jam. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are filling and good with milk. And B kinda glides like jelly, but not in a Beth Ditto way. PB & Js are one of those firm and tight mini-meals that you can have anytime and not feel like a poor kid. We did not listen to "If I Were A Boy" three times just now while writing this.