"Tequila. Straight. There's a real polite drink. You keep drinking until you finally take one more and it just won't go down"
How out of it is Rocks Off after Wednesday night's sublime Arcade Fire show? Even though we've known about it for weeks, it took us until late this morning to realize that Jimmy Buffett is in town tonight. Which is May 5. Which is Cinco de Mayo.
Talk about a gringo honeymoon. Ever since the Champs hit No. 1 in 1958 with their yakity-sax romp "Tequila" - which also doubles as the song's sole lyric; do a shot every time they yell it in the song and you'll get a nice buzz indeed - the essence of agave has been helping norteamericanos lose their inhibitions, enchiladas and cases of writer's block.
Journey with us now to a land south of that mythical border, where clothes come off (and sometimes go on), lights get shot out and a tipsy Alanis Morrissette talks to a pregnant woman's stomach. As Cypress Hill once said, eat the worm, motherfucker.
Joe Nichols, "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off":
I told her put an extra layer on/ I know what happens when she drinks Patron
Paradiso Girls, "Patron Tequila":
Hey girl, I got bud, we can all get fucked up tonight/ And by the end of the night I'ma have you drunk and throwin' up
Paul Wall, "I'm On Patron":
I'm on Patron, I just took some shots to the dome/ I'm gone, so gone, so throwed can I get a ride home?
Alanis Morissette, "On the Tequila":
She was like, "hey where was this part of you when I wasn't pregnant"/ I laughed and did a shot in her honor/ As I conversed with her belly
Brooks & Dunn, "Tequila":
Wake up in the mornin hurtin' head skinned knees/ Ain't no doubt about whats puttin' a whoopin' on me
Bobby Bare Sr., "Pour Me Another Tequila":
Pour me another tequila, I'm goin' to put on your red satin dress/ You put on my clothes, and you go face the dealer
Shelly West, "Jose Cuervo":
Did I kiss all the cowboys/ Did I shoot out the lights/ Did I dance on the bar/ Did I start any fights?
Sammy Hagar, "Mas Tequila":
She did a mean macarena to the funky cold medina/ Behind a body shot and three margaritas
Ode to Jose the curse of Cuervo, so hard to say no though it gives one the fever/ Pretends to be friendly, then it's all over, over
Kenny Chesney, "Tequila Loves Me":
Oh forgettin's cheap in Mexico/ She'll be there waiting, and she won't say no/ Tequila loves me even if you don't
Concrete Blonde, "Mexican Moon":
Take me home, take me to the Zona Rosa/ Mariachis and tequila, I will dance the night alone
John Anderson, "Straight Tequila Night":
Don't ask her on a straight tequila night/ She'll start thinkin' about him, then she's ready to fight
Tracy Byrd, "Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo":
Then after ten rounds with Jose Cuervo/ I lost count and started counting again
Sammy Kershaw & Lorrie Morgan, "He Drinks Tequila, She Talks Dirty In Spanish":
He drinks tequila,and she talks dirty in Spanish/ Him in his sombrero, her in her purty pink jammies
Sublime, "What Happened":
Last thing I remember, I was chillin' at a party/ Pinchin' girlie's asses, I was drinking recklessly
Note: Although no specific beverage is mentioned in the lyrics, the song appropriates the Champs' famous riff. You do the math.
Minutemen, "Jesus and Tequila":
My life, Jesus and tequila/ I'm satisfied, and I can't deny it
Steely Dan, "Hey Nineteen":
The Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian/ Make tonight a wonderful thing
I drank tequila 'cause I can't have your lips tonight/ I don't want to feel ya, I don't want to feel sad tonight
Cypress Hill, "Tequila Sunrise":
Eat the worm, motherfucker, while you burn, motherfucker/ Better kill me, don't let me return, motherfucker
Eagles, "Tequila Sunrise":
Take another shot of courage/ Wonder why the right words never come/ You just get numb
And now, so are we.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.