What Should Madonna Do In Houston This Week? (Besides Show Us Her Ass)

Pop grand dame Madonna is in Houston for two shows this week at Toyota Center that are close to selling out. They are sold out, right? I figured that was why she was here two nights in a row, unless she just loves Houston that much.


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Our Nathan Smith will be on the front lines at tonight's gig, with a report and pictures in the morning, unless Madonna's radiant light is too much for our photog's camera. It's sure to be a good time in the ol' downtown tonight.

I can't wait to see all the costumed revelers spilling out onto the street as the rest of us stumble out of the Band of Horses show at House of Blues, drunk on sad folk-rock songs about trees and shit.

Read between the lines, guys: I am jealous I am not going. I like her material just as much as any drag queen worth their weight in glitter, if not more.

With Madonna stationed in Houston for two straight days, I wondered what a star of her caliber would do to pass them time here in town while she wasn't yelling at assistants, sleeping, or carrying on onstage.

Of course, I made a list.

Eat At One of Our Fine Restaurants! If you read Rocks Off's sister blog Eating Our Words, you know that Houston has some badass restaurants and food trucks. Madonna could check out (name of whatever new place is popping right now) before or after one of her concerts, and berate the staff repeatedly through her handlers for looking at her in the eye, or wearing pleather shoes. I don't know if I see her waiting outside of a food truck herself, though. I imagine her pulling up in a limo and getting an assistant to order one of those six-pound burgers from Bernie's Burger Bus.

Record Stores! Don't be surprised if you see Madonna visiting a few of our best record stores here in Houston, perusing the aisles and bins for all the Elton John and Lady Gaga she can find to burn onstage at Toyota Center to the delight and fright of thousands.

Space Center Houston! No one but tourists, VIPs, and kids on field trips goes to NASA anymore. Maybe Madonna would like to visit the complex in Clear Lake, and put even more stress on an already beleaguered working situation (or so I have been told).

Guns, Brother! Madonna sure has been including a lot guns in her live shows. Just look back at all the rancid posts about it. Houston loves guns, and Madonna loves guns (at least onstage), and we have tons of pawnshops and gun stores to scratch her itch. Sadly, she's missing whatever gun show is this weekend. (There's one at Reliant Center Saturday and Sunday. I got an email. I am on a "list.")

Hang With The "Kids"! Yes Houston has a rich and vibrant dance scene these days, what with the dubsteppin' and the housin' and the whatnots. If only Lady Madonna could see fit to step out of her suite at Hotel ZaZa (just a shot in the dark) she could revel with Houston's molly-fied hordes who are spending father's cash at local hot spots on Red Bull and vodka. While there, she can steal killer doable dance moves from former high school cheerleaders from Katy. Go team!

The Galleria! They have a Godiva store there, and a Ann Taylor, and a Banana Republic! I bet Madonna loves Banana Republic, because most women her age love Banana Republic.

Hide In Your Hotel Room! Because it's humid and gross in Houston right now, and there is tons of stuff to watch on YouTube, and let's face it, do you want a dog groomer from Victoria crying on you in the middle of a hotel lobby?

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