Texas Music

What's Next For Randy Travis? 5 Fantasy Scenarios For Country's Newest Outlaw

Embattled and sorta-awesome country singer Randy Travis got into trouble again Thursday night, fighting drunk in a church parking lot in Plano, in an altercation involving another man and woman.

According to TMZ -- which should stand for "Travis, Man, Zoinks" now -- there was "a "family argument" taking place between a husband and a wife... and Randy got involved. Travis was charged with simple assault.

So it could be the case now that Travis is some sort of drunken avenger -- a vigilante if you will -- to end domestic violence. Or he just got really ripped on wine and saw two people having it out over a family matter and decided to play Dr. Phil Me Glass Up Again.

This time Travis was clothed, at least. Last time he was in trouble, the man weren't wearing no clothes. Back in February he arrested for public intoxication in a church parking lot. This was a different church parking lot though, so there's that. Church parking lots seem to be the place to get shit done.

What's next for Travis? Well, some would say a good dose of R & R (rehab and religion) but to be honest, I don't see that in the cards. I think he's got at least a few more run-ins with the law before he packs it in and records a comeback album and is on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Such as....

Diggin' Up Bones

Travis is found drunk and wearing only a druid's cloak in a Plano cemetery diggin' up the bones of the city's founding fathers. Travis is quoted by officers as in tears and nearly inconsolable before tasering him while holding the skull of a reverend that died in 1907.

Honky Tonky Moon

Collin County officials get strange reports of a howling coming from a clearing on the outskirts of Plano. Sheriffs arrive on the scene to find Travis covered in the blood and freshly-skinned hide of a feral hog, howling Hank Snow covers at the moon. After leading law enforcement on a brief foot chase into the brush, he is arrested suckling at the teat of a female hog. He is then tasered.

A Few Ole Country Boys

Plano police arrive in the back alley of a Home Depot after management reports that Travis has picked a fight with a few customers in the gardening department, challenging a rake to a duel, and vomiting in a display toilet a few aisles over. Travis is tasered, nude, while attempting to flee on a shopping cart.

He Walked On Water (Well, He Tried)

Travis is found passed out inside the baptismal pool of a Plano nondenominational church by a Sunday-school class. Travis had apparently spent the night in the pool, dressed as an astronaut, with a case of Coors a few feet away. He is in taken out of the pool, dried off and later tasered.

Deeper Than The Holler

A backhoe goes missing from the construction of a new Plano mall, and it is later found in the playground a church three miles away, with Travis at the controls attempting to dig an "underground church" for the congregation. The smell of Mad Dog 20/20 is sickening as Travis is tasered while clad in only a Bob The Builder T-shirt.

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty