When Publicists Attack: Solarcaded

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I had already drawn a bullseye on the side of my forehead and was just getting the gun out of the drawer. I'm normally not suicidal or, for that matter, the type to brood and get depressed. But as has been mentioned in these pages before, every so often a publicist just makes me want to blow my brains out. This week's culprit was a little lady from LaLaLand. I'd already sent her boss an email about Solarcade last week, politely telling her I thought she was mistargeting her efforts by sending me emails about bands like this. Not to mention the two copies of the CD she wasted on me on Solarcade's behalf - and which I immediately took my nearest bootleg CD dealer so I didn't have to visit the blood bank this week. The suicidal topper came shortly after, though: "Solarcade is a kind of Coldplay for the high-minded crowd." Is my gun oiled and functioning? And then, after reading the glowing words of some high-minded journalist from the Biloxi Pile o' Crap, LaLa Lady dropped this publicist chestnut. "In fact, the single has already earned highest rated song status on SpiderWebRadio in Ontario and Intense Modern Radio stating the single 'was an obvious add.'" Forget that the sentence makes no sense at all. SpiderWebRadio? No kidding? Solarcade is on SpiderWebRadio? If this is truly of great import, just shoot me. Was it Al Gore who named this The Information Age? Or Marshall McLuhan? Now all that remains is for Pitchfork to buy Microsoft and execute a vicious hostile takeover of Google, Ebay and Wal-Mart. Just shoot me. Before I shoot myself.

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