Gothtopia

Which Goth Heroes Deserve Their Own Action Figures?

Gothtopia has been spending some time working a few shifts at Houston's most excellent new comic shop, 8th Dimension Comics. Mostly it's a way to fund our crippling Magic: The Gathering addiction. As we basked in the glory of geekdom and capitalism on a recent shift, we noticed that the shop sold an Iggy Pop action figure.

Now, we're not saying that Iggy doesn't deserve an action figure. Iggy deserves all the money in your wallet, three rounds with your woman, and pretty much anything else he wants. However, what they're calling an action figure is nothing of the kind. It's a plastic statue that, if you turn any limb on its point of articulation, becomes so unbalanced that Iggy falls over.

OK, that part is at least accurate.

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Todd MacFarlane is to blame for this, and that's sad because he started out so well. When we were collecting the original KISS figures they came with rocket launchers and axes, and guitars you could surf through space on. You could have adventures. Next thing we know, every figure he releases is clearly meant to never do a single thing.

Maybe we could start a revolution in action figuring. Only one way to find out. By slowly burning a Crow figure while our two-foot-tall, animatronic Edward Scissorhands conducted the sacred rites over the pyre, we summoned the Gothic Council.

Joining the Council this week are spooky dessertier Lynda Rouner, gothic fashion designer Batty, stylist Carol Daeumer, Toby Rider of the band Ending the Vicious Cycle, and creepy dollmaker Ugly Shyla.

Lynda Rouner: I think there should be a Siouxsie action figure. It should be the Hyena-era Siouxsie, and should come with Robert Smith's boots that she used to beat the crap out of him. Actually, a whole series of the different eras of Siouxsie would be preferred.

Batty: I second the Siouxsie auction figure and want to add a voice box to it with which she will call Robert Smith "Fat Bob" and a whole slew of other snarky insults that she fed to smarmy TV hosts and the like. We could also add her buddy Andi Sex Gang to the mix to narrate her adventures at the Batcave in a catty nasal voice

Carol Daeumer: In that case, I think there needs to be a Fat Bob doll too. How about Uncle Andy (Andrew Eldritch of The Sisters of Mercy), and it can be explicitly labeled "Not Goth At All."

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner