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Who Gives a Shit About Katy Perry!? Vanessa Paradis is About to be Single!

Houston Press was ecstatic when slutwave superstar Katy Perry and comedian Russell Brand broke up, though there were some very different motivations amongst the staff for that joy. For instance, Craig Hlavaty chose that opportunity to place himself in the draft pick for being her next paramour, something he's as likely to accomplish as becoming the Twelfth Doctor.

For ourselves, we were relived because knowing they were a couple was knowing that they were porking, and in our head we had become certain that the sound of one of them disengaging from the other after two and a half minutes of squishy noise probably made a sound akin to that of ripping off a hair covered piece of lint roller tape. Sorry, we know you folk thinks she's cute because she looks like Zooey Deschanel from an alternative universe where she's really easy, but her charms are lost on us, and as funny as we find Brand we have no desire to be within sniffing distance of him. Now we don't hear that sound in our heads anymore.

That being said, we get it. There's a deep part of even the most happily married man that views every attractive female as a potential mate. When they get snagged up by a douchebag, we inwardly growl, "Hey! That's mine!" When they are single again our caveman brain starts picking the lice out of our back hair in order to lure them in. That's just hardwired instincts left over from the days when we courted mates using clubs instead of picking them from a random selection while traveling on a bus.

Still, guys, take it from us. You do not need to be stalking Katy Perry because Vanessa Paradis is about to be back on the market, and if we're comparing hotness then Katy Perry is an energy-efficient light bulb and Paradis is two suns fucking.

You may be unfamiliar with the French pop star and actress. Four the past 14 years she's mostly been known as Johnny Depp's girl, and the mother of his two children. Rumors appeared that the two were on the outs earlier this year. Most notably, Depp attended the Golden Globes with out, and People reported that the two were now living separate lives. So far, neither has commented officially.

Big deal, you're saying, what the hell do we want with some French chick that's Johnny Depp's castoff? Let us tell you.

We saw Paradis in the film Girl on the Bridge, which has been our favorite film ever since. In it, Paradis plays a suicidal girl despondent after a lifetime trying to find love that is saved by an aging knife thrower who seeks depressed women as targets as his skill has devolved a little. The two turn the act into an amazing erotic process and a journey of self-discovery. Yes, it sounds very existential and foreign filmy, but we promise you that we have never, ever shown one of the knife throwing scenes with Paradis writhing against a target as blades land near her to someone who didn't end up panting hard.

In addition to her acting chops, Paradis is a model and an acclaimed Top 40 singer who hasn't exactly set the world on fire outside of France, but has made some pretty impressive waves and worked with Lenny Kravitz on an English album.

To make our point on why Paraids outranks Perry in every way, here's one of her French songs, "St. Germain."

And here's her video for "Commando."

One of her English tunes, "Be My Baby," with several choice undressed shot (SFW).

And finally, the aforementioned knife-throwing scene from Girl on the Bridge with Marianne Faithful singing in the background for extra atmosphere.

That, friends and enemies is why we could care less about Katy Perry leaving her atheist husband over religious issues. Because why would you want the girl who hooked up with an MTV Music Video Award host when the stone-cold fox that snagged Johnny Depp off the market is out there, heartbroken, and looking for a strong shoulder to cry on?

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner