Over the weekend, the State Department shocked uptight old white people around the United States by announcing that expert on partying Andrew WK would be bringing the party to Bahrain as a cultural ambassador.
In the world we live in, this shouldn't be all that shocking. President Obama is practically a regular on The Daily Show and Kumar works for the White House Office of Public Engagement to this day.
Unfortunately, the uptight old white people who still run the State Department realized at the last minute that Andrew WK was perhaps not in line with their uptight old-white-people values. I mean, he's part of that rock and roll stuff, and hard partying is destroying our society. So they pulled the plug on his mission.
Mr. WK released his own statement on the matter Tuesday. Apparently he feels like the State Department "judged a book by its cover" and that he "would've done a great job and represented our nation with dignity and pride."
I agree, but what if... what if maybe the reason they rejected WK at the last minute was, in fact, not because of his hard partying ways, but because (hear me out) they thought he didn't party hard enough. I know, I know, you're asking yourself, "Who parties harder than Andrew WK?" There are not many, but there are a few elite options the State Department may seek out to replace him to party in Bahrain even harder.
I know what you're thinking: Flea? Yes, Flea. The Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist has, for better or worse, partied so hard that he's watched a good deal of his friends die from partying too hard. He lived and breathed the party for the majority of the 1980s and it's a wonder the man made it out himself. Plus, the bass just makes the party. There's not a party in the world that couldn't be made better with the bassline from "Higher Ground." Turn that one up and you're golden for a good time.
3. Lee Ving (Fear)
Lee Ving may not be known as a hard-partying dude, at least no more than any other old-school punk, but there's something to keep in mind here: Lee Ving kept pace with John fucking Belushi. Before Belushi overdosed on the party, he was living it up with L.A. punks like Ving and Fear, as well as Black Flag. Belushi even brought Fear to SNL, where the band promptly got banned for life. The point is, if Ving can bring even a fraction of the Belushi party to the Middle East, it's going to slay.
Diddy is the ultimate celebrity party-er. It's questionable if he goes as hard as Andrew WK does, but one thing Diddy does have is class and style. A Diddy party is lower-key than an Andrew WK party, but yet it's far sexier and, dare I say it, debonaire. If the State Department requires a party that will still be epic but not quite such a raucous mess, they might look to Diddy instead.
1. Keith Richards
Here's the deal, Keef has partied harder than anyone has any right to while still being alive. He's probably seen things that would even make Andrew WK blush. Enlisting Richards would be like dropping a tactical nuke of partying into Bahrain.
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It would be the party to end all parties, and probably could only be rivaled if this were the 1960s Keith Richards we were sending in. Even at his diminished present-day partying capacity, it's unlikely anyone would make it out of this party alive except for Mr. Richards himself. But no one would care, because everyone would go out with smiles frozen on their faces.