Perhaps Monday is the wrong day to point out the errors in judgment and straight-up malfeasances that can plague music. It’s already the sorriest day on the calendar, so why pile on? The short answer is: because we can. And, further, we must, especially when the misguided and wrong that’s been done to our mutual love has occurred over an otherwise wonderful hiatus from the demands of a typical week. Because even music isn’t immune to bad news on Saturday or Sunday, here’s your music world’s Worst of the Weekend:
COLDPLAY TO PERFORM AT SUPER BOWL 50
Technically, the bad news that Coldplay would be the featured performer at halftime of the approaching Super Bowl broke last week and not exactly on Saturday or Sunday. We pondered it while watching football all weekend, so allow us to vent. It’s true, whichever two NFL franchises prove tough enough to endure a season’s worth of concussions, criminal activities, cheating scandals and unchecked abuse of domestic partners will be celebrated by the milquetoast mid-game music of Apple’s dad and company. We all know we’re going to hear “Viva La Vida” and probably “Speed of Sound,” because those are the only up-tempo songs in the band’s repertoire. The rest are sedate ruminations on sensitive notions not normally associated with the brutishness of professional football.
Coldplay’s songs would be perfect for the mid-competition break during a debate of Rhodes scholars or a poetry smackdown, but are likely to fall flatter than Tom Brady’s footballs amid the sheer malevolence of a National Football League game. Was Metallica booked that weekend? Shouldn’t Chris Brown and R. Kelly be the NFL’s go-to halftime performers for every Super Bowl? The only justice Coldplay could bring to the proceedings would be to extend a huge middle finger to their hosts, by performing “Fix You” and reminding the league that it is badly broken when it comes to social and ethical matters.
WEST BABY STILL WITHOUT A NAME
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian welcomed a second child to the family Saturday and while we’re all happy that baby and mom are fine, we must object to this waiting game Kimye is playing. What’s the hold up? There are only three choices, really – South West, East West or West West. (I’ll submit a fourth for consideration – South, with Bysouth for a middle name. Then the kid can just go by SXSW for the rest of his sure-to-be-strange life). Just pick one already so our Facebook feeds can be littered with the sort of attention-hogging commentary that keeps Kanye relevant between releases and Kim relevant at all.
YOUR YEAR IN MUSIC
It’s December, so here come the year-end lists. Few make you the culprit the way Spotify’s “Your Year In Music” plans to. Last week, the streaming service shared with us some of the sad results culled from data it generated from the listening habits of 75 million subscribers. You must have recoiled in horror to learn the most-streamed artist ever on Spotify is Ed Sheeran. But at least you could blame that on sappy Brits. You’ve no one but yourself to blame when Spotify reveals your own top songs of 2015. Did you really listen to “Dear Future Husband” 497 times? What made you hit “Hit the Quan” every day since it released? Are you really hitting the quan that much? Shouldn’t you see a chiropractor now?
Over the weekend, Spotify shared how to get this information, if you really must have it. Go to spotify.com/2015 and sign into your account, where you’ll learn more about your 2015 listening habits. Godspeed.
TERRORISM AND MUSIC
Hey, all you would-be ideological murderers who haven’t already been blasted to bits in a hail of gunfire: your brand is bullshit because we’re not going to stop doing cool or necessary things just because you don’t like or agree with it, assholes. Every time you blow yourself up or shoot off parts of your own skull after a stand-off, the millions of us who are unscathed are going to go out and live a fear-free life in honor of anyone you may have slaughtered. So your political views or your religious extremism will never, ever win.
Don’t think so? Ask the thousands who attended Sunday’s U2 concert in Paris, less than a month from the attacks there. True, Bono and friends did have to postpone their show to acknowledge your depravity. And, yes, back here in the states, President Obama did have to deliver an address on your doomed efforts, thereby delaying him from the Kennedy Center Honors. Later, he’d catch up with music honoree Carole King and celebrate a songwriting career worthy of Kennedy Center accolades and much more attention than you deserve.
Certainly, you have shattered some lives with your selfish motivations. We can’t forget that people died in recent terrorist actions from Paris to Charleston, from Colorado to San Bernardino. The people who survive them are hurting and grieving. But, in time, they too will join us in diminishing your all-consuming life’s mission to a forgotten footnote.
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Jesse’s been writing for the Houston Press since 2013. His work has appeared elsewhere, notably on the desk of the English teacher of his high school girlfriend, Tish. The teacher recognized Jesse’s writing and gave Tish a failing grade for the essay. Tish and Jesse celebrated their 33rd anniversary as a couple in October.