Ed. Note: Just so we're perfectly clear, despite the long-standing tradition of audiences expressing their disapproval - and indeed, in punk-rock circles, approval - by flinging projectiles at the stage, Rocks Off does not condone any concert behavior, from fans or performers, that could lead to bodily injury. Lord knows we've already had enough problems in Houston as it is.
First off, we here at Rocks Off do not agree with audiences pelting performers with anything, let alone the wide variety of objects - some more revolting than others - flung at Tila Tequila at this past weekend's Gathering of the Juggalos. We're of mixed minds about Juggalos themselves. So when Rocks Off heard about Ms. Tequila's run-in with those painted paragons of musical fandom, our first thought was for her health and recovery. Her face looked pretty messed up, after all, and for God's sakes, the girl had rocks thrown at her.
But Tequila is one of the only celebrities whose visage rivals ICP and its army in sheer cartoonish glory. It's kinda like Josie and the Pussycats getting in a pissing match with KISS, only with a much lamer soundtrack.
So especially once we heard Tequila was going to be all right - if understandably wicked pissed and threating all sorts of legal action against the Gathering and its organizers - Rocks Off's twisted little mind got lost in reverie about other folk we'd like to see throw down with the Juggalos and their diverse, disgusting arsenal, and how such messy back-and-forths might play out. Here's our top five.
5. Owl City: Rocks Off feels a little bad about this one, as we know our four-year-old daughter is a big fan of that song about a bazillion fireflies. However, we all know that flies are attracted to garbage, so Adam Young would just have a greater number and variety buzzing around his irritatingly precious little head that. It also doesn't hurt that the confrontation would probably leave him curled in the fetal position, sobbing "Why? Why? Why?"gently to himself; that just makes us feel sadistically warm and fuzzy all over. We hate joy.
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4. Ozzy Osbourne: Two ways to go here. One, Ozzy's an old hand at in-concert projectiles. His '82 Diary of a Madman tour alone makes the Juggalos look like chumps. Not only did Ozzy fling offal into the audience, he bit the head off of a fucking bat - and the audience pitched it right back. Sure, he thought it was a toy, but still. Makes you wonder what he'd have done in this situation. On the other hand, as old and senile as the Prince Of Darkness seems to be getting these days, he might not even notice.
3. Justin Bieber: Purely altruistic, we swear. JB seems to be at a crossroads in his career. If he's really done parading around as a squeaky-clean pop pied piper, what better way to achieve catharsis than by facing down the exact polar opposite of his stage persona, dripping with the very literal representation of the excesses of his heretofore career? On the other hand, if all that talk about the end of Bieberism was just a very odd publicity stunt, pretty much anything would be physically incapable of sticking to the walking surfactant. Either way, we'd all know where Bieber stands.
2. L7's Donita Sparks: This one's just about pure comeuppance. Back in 1992, Sparks was getting pelted with mud by fans at England's Reading Festival. Fed up, the grunge goddess removed her own used tampon and flung it at the crowd along with a few epithets. These were fans, mind you, who were flinging nothing more than wet dirt. Imagine the unholy, Carrie-esque, clotted horror that would rain down upon any Juggalos stupid enough unleash this weekend's arsenal at Sparks.
1. Insane Clown Posse: Big surprise, huh? Our hope is that a bunch of Juggalos flinging refuse at their grease-painted sires would function something like forcing Alex Trebek to say his name backwards, returning the whole unfortunate mess to the Fifth Dimension, where it belongs.